Carrying the Stretcher: How to be an Emotional First Responder to your Police Officer

We are the first ones on the scene. Not a crime scene, like our spouses, but the emotional scene they bring in the front door with them. When my husband comes home late from an overtime detail, from a hairy domestic violence call, from a disciplinary meeting that isn't running according to policy, or just weary from too many days of the same old garbage, who is there waiting with the stretcher, the oxygen tank, the critical medicine that will restart his heart? I am. Just me. No formal training, no real knowledge other than experience, both good and bad, to be the balm he needs. Terrifying sometimes, isn't it? I want to roll back over, pull the covers over my head, and sleep for that precious last half hour before I have to get the kids up for school; I want to stay in the kitchen so I can get dinner on the table before 7 o'clock when everyone is starving and cranky; I want to keep on watching my rustic farmhouse-remodeling show. But when I am frustrated and angry, I want to be heard, too, right? I want someone to listen and sympathize with my woes, and then not tell me how to fix them immediately, but just let me feel like I am not alone. So let's start there. How to be an emotional first responder to your husband: 1) Ask, "How did it go today?" You know something's up. He will either start talking or shut down. If he talks, go on to #2. If not, give him time to unwind first, and then try again later. Don't nag! "Better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Proverbs 25:24 2) Listen. Put down whatever else you were doing to show you are really listening, look at his face while he is talking, nod, and make appropriate affirmative sounds or comments to show you are engaged in what he is saying. Even if you are already judging his actions and think he could have done something differently, don't tell him in the middle of his story. He will get defensive and shut down, which is the opposite of what you want. Paramedics do not want a combative victim in the back of the ambulance, which is where you now have him, metaphorically speaking, so keep on listening. "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he (or she) who holds his tongue is wise," Proverbs 10:19. 3) If possible, such as if he is not pacing around the room like my husband does when he's upset, show physical affection, either while he is talking or afterwards. Rub his back, hold his hand, or put a hand on his arm or leg and give him a squeeze to show him you are on the same team and you are physically there for him as well as emotionally present. 4) Empathize with him verbally. Comments like "I can see how that would be so frustrating," "I bet that made you so angry," and "I'm so sorry you were put in that position," all remind him that you were listening and you are trying to see things though his perspective, whether you agree or not! "The lips of the righteous know what is fitting," Proverbs 10:32. 5) Encourage him. "Maybe they are assigning that job to you because they know you are good at it." "Maybe you are being groomed for leadership and they are testing you." "Maybe in a few years you can try out again." "It won't be like this forever." "Keep on doing the great job you are doing. Soon someone will notice!" Be truthful and sincere in your words, and keep it simple. "This too shall pass" is a great favorite in our house, and so is "a lot can change in just a few years." Proverbs 16:24 says "Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 15:4 says "The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life." This is your time to be the healing medicine he needs. 6) Offer him something comforting to eat or drink. Just like a trauma victim, he needs that fuzzy grey blanket and a cup of cold water, but it could take the form of whatever beverage, sandwich, or snack he enjoys, served up with a smile and a hug or kiss. It is just another tangible way to remind him you love him and are taking care of him. Every day we get a chance to build our spouse up, to encourage him and show him God's love in such a way that he will be able to face the world again. With our words and actions we can rip open the wounds he carries home, or we can be a balm that helps restore and speed healing. We can't do this alone, but God gives us the strength to set aside our own needs and agenda to be the first responder our husband needs in those critical moments. Just remember, in this metaphor God is the hospital! We can carry the stretcher or lie on it, as you have probably heard before. We can speak life or death into our marriage. We can be hope and healing, or hurt and bitterness. Proverbs 14:1 says, "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." We are police wives, and our responsibility is great, but we aren't expected to do it alone. "May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word," 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17. May God strengthen you, encourage you, and fill the medicine cabinet of your heart with hope so you can go and be the first aid your loved ones need.