Do's and Don't's of Police Wife Friendships

Being a very outgoing person, I have had my share of great relationships and also some not-so-great relationships. Here are some guidelines based on what I have learned, to help you keep your relationships healthy and encouraging. I wish I could say I always stick to them, but these are best-case scenario. Do your best, and avoid the drama that negativity, gossip, and neglect of your marriage can cause! 1) Don't be a complainer, and don't entertain complainers. Complainers just want to whine and don't want to think about how to fix the problem. Vent for a minute and then look for solutions. Be a positive influence on each other! 2) Do discuss department problems to alert each other to possible danger or to understand what is happening to your husband at work, but don't be a gossip, spreading hearsay just for the sake of drama. 3) Don't husband-bash. Sharing a funny story or asking for advice, help, or prayer for a particular problem is one thing, but trashing your man to someone else (who is probably the wife of his friend) is not appropriate, and very dishonoring. 4) Do your best to be at home when your husband is home, and encourage your friends to do the same. Shifts come and go, and there will be time to spend with your friends that doesn't overlap into family time. Boys' Night Out and Girls' Night Out are the exceptions! 5) Do look for interests or hobbies that you can do together. My friend Nancy and I help each other organize closets, kid's clothes, etc. or watch movies while our husbands are working, in addition to sharing recipes, craft ideas, and sewing projects. 6) Encourage each other to work through the difficulties of life instead of walking away from them. Sometimes you just need to hear someone say, "This is hard. But you can work through it! And you are not alone!" Also remember, some relationships are there so that you can build the other person up, even when they have nothing to offer you. Step out and be a friend, but keep to the guidelines as well. Maintain a balance in your life of friends who pull from you and friends who fill you up. And let God use you in your relationships to draw others to him!

A Woman of Valor

Sometimes, when it feels as though I am just getting through each day, not really going anywhere but just getting by, I need to read something that will jolt me out of my routine and get me fired up again. This book did it for me; the fire is lit and I am ready again to do battle for God where I am, with who I am and what I have been given. The book is "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore, and here are a few of my favorite fire-igniting quotes so far: "You are a God-clothed woman of valor and you have the privilege to wear divine strength like a garment." (That one I want on my mirror so I can see it every morning!) "Pride is dignity's counterfeit." "Our culture has done us no greater injustice than training us to avoid taking responsibility for our own issues...They have hijacked our healing. A clear heart and a clean path are still only one sincere confession away." "If you know Jesus Christ personally, He has chosen you, too, and has appointed you to accomplish something good. Something that matters. Something prepared for you before time began (Ephesians 2:10). Something meant to have a serious impact within your sphere of influence." So please, don't stay in that place of stagnation, but move, get fired up about something that matters, something with eternal significance. Because it might be your time to speak, to mend, to help the people around you heal. Even just by being who you are, where you are, with what you have. You are clothed with strength and dignity, you beautiful daughter of the King. You are a woman of valor.

Chapter 7 excerpt: "Taking Time Away"

When you are choosing a spot for your family vacation, I recommend finding a place that not only appeals to your whole family, but that is somehow special to you, that you can return to year after year. Some people long for the adventure of the unknown, but to us, in a very uncertain life, it seems comforting to be able to return to a place and have it remain largely unchanged. For my husband’s family, that place is Yosemite National Park. They hike the trails, take in the majestic views, ride bikes around the park, eat in the same restaurants, and take their picture in the same crack in the rock every year. My husband and his siblings love to look back at the pictures and reminisce as they have grown older, and all have returned with their own families. That continues to be a special place to our family, not just because of its awe-inspiring natural beauty, but because my husband is a more relaxed, joyful, and wonder-filled version of himself in the place where he had so many happy childhood memories. He said he can’t go there and look up at the granite cliffs without thinking of how powerful and majestic God is, like Psalm 90:2, “Before the mountains were born or You brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting You are God.” For me, you may have guessed, that place is the Oregon Coast. The dunes, the chilly water, the smooth stones, the vastness of the ocean, they feed my soul; they fulfill a longing in this rambling, world-traveled missionary child’s heart for a true home. I am reminded that “If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast,” Psalm 139:9-10. When I look out over that broad, silver ocean, with small hands clasping my own, anchoring me to earth, and smaller, purer hearts shrieking with sheer delight at the tiny breakers rushing over their feet, I am rooted again in the delight of the moment, reminded again that life can be simple and lovely and full of wonder. So pack your bags. Make your reservations, buy your tickets, or just get in the car and go. Find a hand to hold and something to laugh about and make your memories. Fill your reservoir with joy for the dry times, fill it full, and store up those sweet moments, because we all need to be reminded who we were before life got so crazy, so busy, so complicated. Fall in love with your spouse all over again, laugh with your family over something silly, sit around a fire and talk until the embers die down to a low, friendly glow. And then treasure these things in your heart.

Taking Time Away

A couple of weeks ago my little one came bounding into my room, hands stuck in a Seahawks hat, asking, “Can you help me fit my bun into this?” I laughed, since I was just pulling my own hair into a bun through the back of my own baseball cap. That evening we were all excited, since we were taking our two girls to their very first baseball game. Never mind that it was only AAA, and that the partly cloudy sky turned to a heavy drizzle during the sixth inning. We had the best time as we took it all in through the eyes of a five- and seven-year-old: the giant field; the stadium filled with more people than they had ever seen in one place; the vast array of delicious snacks to choose from (we settled on the classics- hot dogs and cotton candy); and, of course, the game itself, set free from our TV screen and alive in front of them. They learned about strikes and runs, danced the Macarena, and sang “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” It was an evening they will remember forever, and we will, too. The best part was when we were all huddled together, girls snuggled up on our laps under fleece blankets when the rain really began to come down. No one was ready to leave, and we witnessed the tie game turn into a dramatic win in the ninth inning, leaving us with the ecstatic feeling of victory as we made our way back to the car, the big one skipping along with her hand tucked in mine and the little one high up on Daddy’s strong shoulders. What kind of memories do you have as a family? What sweet, funny, or touching moments are tucked away in your mind, ready to be pulled out when you need to be reminded what a wonderful life you are blessed to live? What plans do you have to create those kinds of memories? Taking time away as a family and as a couple is crucial to forming that family identity and close bond that you will all need to be resilient in the difficult times.

Police Memorial Week

Not that we need any reminders that the police officers in our lives have a dangerous job, but this is a week where we are to remember the fallen. It is time to take a deep breath and ask God to comfort those who have lost a loved one in the line of duty, and to thank God for the officers in our lives that would give just as much if they had to. It is time to stop taking your precious moments together for granted, because while you were exchanging angry words out of frustration with your beloved, someone else's beloved never made it home, and they don't have the chance to say "I'm sorry" like you have right now. It is time to take your moments one at a time and own them, to choose your words carefully and decide to bless your spouse with them instead of cursing, to heal instead of hurt, to hold instead of push away. Say the loving words your pride doesn't want you to say. Start to love like you know you should. When your family is laughing and having a tickle war on the living room floor, instead of excusing yourself to clean up the kitchen, get down there with them and join in. This week, take time to remember the fallen, to be grateful and thankful for their sacrifice, and to honor their memory by using your days well. This is a better tribute to those who have given their lives than any sticker on your car.

The Time Has Come

Whenever my husband begins a graveyard shift deployment period, I make a list of projects that I have been wanting to tackle but can't seem to get to when my plans are fourth in line. You know how it is; work inside or outside your home all day, get kids to do homework, unpack and repack lunchboxes, have dinner, clean up dinner, get little bodies into bed, sit on the couch for an hour and fold laundry while Sports Center replays the only news you'll watch that day (this is why I have no idea what is happening in the world). Now there are plenty of things I dislike about graves: sleeping alone, keeping everyone quiet until 2pm, and mainly, missing my sweetheart while he hibernates upstairs in a darkened and muffled room. But I'm focusing on the good, and now, after 10pm, I do what I want. I can make a quilt out of my grandpa's favorite shirts that I brought home in a box after his memorial service. I can turn a pair of old wooden drawers I picked up from a closing children's boutique into shadowboxes or shelves to display my antique button collection. I can finally file my daughters' schoolwork and artwork into binders so they can look though the pages and ooh and aah over each others' work, as they love to do. I can make homemade bread with my Kitchen-Aid mixer so we can eat fresh bread like I did growing up. This is my creative season, the time that is my own, again. I just returned from a phenomenal and inspiring women's conference in which the speaker told us, "In the Bible, time doesn't go. Time always comes." I thought about that for several days afterwards. Time doesn't fly by. Time can't run out. It can only come. This year, the time came for my grandpa to be taken home to Jesus. The time came for a new baby to be born to my brother and his wife. The time came for a friend to move away. And the time has come for my husband to work nights again. The time has come for me to make a memory quilt, to restore shelves, to make art albums, to learn to bake bread. My time has come. And instead of being lonely or sad, I am going to own my time. Because it is only for a season, after all, and there will come a time when my time again is our time, and I can snuggle with my man on the couch, share a bowl of popcorn, and watch our funny shows from the On Demand menu. But for now, I'm going to bake some bread.

To work OT or to not work OT; that is the question.

One more way to keep your family growing together toward compassion and resilience is to live within your means and avoid working overtime hours. This may sound odd, but how can Dad develop close relationships with his family if he is too busy working a ton of overtime so that they can have a nicer house, several extracurricular activities each that take time away and cost money, and all the latest technology so that everyone in the house can ignore each other while they each entertain themselves. It goes against our current culture to say it, but this is not how families were meant to live. What is important to you? Your beloved is already working a difficult schedule, and possibly sleeping during the day to make up for working at night. He may not get to eat with his kids very often, or take them to their sporting events, or see them win the spelling bee. But that larger house, that nicer car, or that vacation to Hawaii starts calling your name, and pretty soon, your husband finds himself continually signing his name to those overtime postings to build a nicer life for his family. Does this sound familiar? It is built into our husband’s DNA to want to provide well for us, and when we, their well-meaning wives, complain about not having what our neighbors have, or what we think we should have, that desire to provide goes into overdrive, and OT looks like the solution. Now, if you truly have expenses that can’t be avoided, or if your husband takes a couple of extra shifts a year to pay for vacation, then this post is not for you. However, if you encourage your husband to work overtime often so your family can have nicer things, this is an abuse of his time and energy. You are essentially telling him, “I value what you can give me more than I value spending time with you.” A good friend of mine whose husband is a firefighter explained to her two little boys, “Our house is not as nice as everyone else’s. We won’t have all the toys that all your friends will have. But that is okay, and we are going to be content with what we have so we can spend more time together with Dad.” Philippians 4:12-13 says “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” If you can be content with having less, but value the time you have together as a family, you will be happier than if you had traded that time for more things that will just wear out. It is time to put your treasure where your heart is, and give your husband permission to come home and enjoy you and your family. Time spent together will knit you together as a family, and give you the resilience to get though the difficulties that will inevitably come in the life of a law enforcement family.