The Green Crayon of Despair

It's exactly what it sounds like. I opened the door to the dryer, expecting clean, fluffy, dry clothes. Instead, I found despair. Okay, maybe despair is extreme; maybe it was frustration and anger followed by resignation, but it was bad. There, a silent harbinger of doom resting on top of the lint trap, was the hollow shell of a green crayon wrapper. I pulled out the lint trap and was met with the horror of green drips that cascaded down the screen and puddled at the bottom, already hardened and immovable. As I slowly pulled my children's clothes out of the dryer one piece at a time, the green, oily, waxy stains became larger and larger, streaming down jeans, mottling t-shirts, coating entire sleeves of sweatshirts. The crayon covered more area in its death than it ever could have in its life. The only piece of clothing that had survived the onslaught was an old, faded pair of jeans with a hole in the knee belonging to my seven-year-old, unfit for anything but playing in the back yard. The injustice of it slapped me in the face. I called my mother, but she had no magic solution for the mess. I turned to my old friend, Google. The cure involved a trip to the grocery store, but I came home armed and ready for battle. Two days and three washes later, all but one sweatshirt was saved. What did I learn? To really check all the pockets with a renewed passion before doing the laundry of a five and seven-year-old. And also, that life goes on. There is life after the green crayon of despair. I am living proof. And like the piles of filth I sweep up week after week from a seemingly clean kitchen floor, dirt and mess are evidence of life being lived to the fullest. No leaves are tracked in if kids aren't playing outside in the sunshine and learning to climb halfway up the chestnut tree. My mom related to me that before my grandpa passed away, when he was struggling with Parkinson's disease, my grandma realized how his quality of life had diminished by the stark fact that when she checked his pockets before the wash, they were empty. No loose change, no tractor bolts, no rolls of Lifesavers, no scraps of paper with phone numbers of friends and business contacts. Not a thing. I once washed my husband's pocket-sized notebook in which he would record details of his shift. It disintegrated into little bits. I have found change, a handcuff key, tubes of Chapstick. Signs of life. I have lived through the green crayon, and emerged with understanding and even thankfulness. God, thank you for life, even if I have to scrub it off with Oxyclean, Soft Scrub, and Shout. Help me to have a better attitude about the precious lives I clean up after. Amen. Instructions for cleaning crayon out of the dryer and the clothes: 1) Clean the lint trap screen with Soft Scrub on a damp paper towel. Rinse and let dry. Clean the rest of the lint trap with a toothpick, your fingernails, a butter knife, etc. 2) Clean the dryer drum with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. 3) Pre-treat each clothing stain with Shout, the gel kind with the scrubby brush at the tip. Soak in the washer in hot water for one hour in Oxyclean and extra detergent. Wash as usual. Do this as many times as necessary until stains disappear.

How we have made it this far...

Eleven years of marriage. Eighteen years of being a couple, no breakups (but a few nasty fights into the wee hours of the morning because we refuse to sleep apart or go to bed angry). One beautiful, perfect wedding. Five homes in two different states. Two different police agencies. Six wretched months of unemployment. One giant, uprooting, painful move from which God is still working his astonishing, astounding, and profound good. A month and a half of living with our parents in between moves. Four years of college and four of graduate school, followed by eight different jobs for me. Two years of infertility. Two babies, beautiful girls that stole our hearts and take our breath away, with their beauty, their sweetness, and with how hard they make us laugh at ages five and seven. Two cats and two fish. One critical incident. Two trials. Two distinct moments where I held my breath on the phone as I waited for him to tell me the verdict. Once, my world crumbled. The second time, it stayed intact. Two tough years with too much silence and too much pain in the waiting, but not enough to throw in the towel, thank God. Eight years before in which to grow strong together, and one year since to see how much stronger and deeper we are, having weathered the storm. He is a part of me, and when part of you is hurting, you do not cut it off and throw it away. You take it to a good doctor, spending all you have if necessary to make it better. God is our Great Physician. Without Him at the center of our marriage we could not have made it. I feel such joy in our marriage, such security and contentment, and I know we both appreciate how hard we fought to get here; how much sweeter the victory is when we look at where we have been. God was carrying us in the difficult times, and he carries us now. "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13

Do's and Don't's of Police Wife Friendships

Being a very outgoing person, I have had my share of great relationships and also some not-so-great relationships. Here are some guidelines based on what I have learned, to help you keep your relationships healthy and encouraging. I wish I could say I always stick to them, but these are best-case scenario. Do your best, and avoid the drama that negativity, gossip, and neglect of your marriage can cause! 1) Don't be a complainer, and don't entertain complainers. Complainers just want to whine and don't want to think about how to fix the problem. Vent for a minute and then look for solutions. Be a positive influence on each other! 2) Do discuss department problems to alert each other to possible danger or to understand what is happening to your husband at work, but don't be a gossip, spreading hearsay just for the sake of drama. 3) Don't husband-bash. Sharing a funny story or asking for advice, help, or prayer for a particular problem is one thing, but trashing your man to someone else (who is probably the wife of his friend) is not appropriate, and very dishonoring. 4) Do your best to be at home when your husband is home, and encourage your friends to do the same. Shifts come and go, and there will be time to spend with your friends that doesn't overlap into family time. Boys' Night Out and Girls' Night Out are the exceptions! 5) Do look for interests or hobbies that you can do together. My friend Nancy and I help each other organize closets, kid's clothes, etc. or watch movies while our husbands are working, in addition to sharing recipes, craft ideas, and sewing projects. 6) Encourage each other to work through the difficulties of life instead of walking away from them. Sometimes you just need to hear someone say, "This is hard. But you can work through it! And you are not alone!" Also remember, some relationships are there so that you can build the other person up, even when they have nothing to offer you. Step out and be a friend, but keep to the guidelines as well. Maintain a balance in your life of friends who pull from you and friends who fill you up. And let God use you in your relationships to draw others to him!

A Woman of Valor

Sometimes, when it feels as though I am just getting through each day, not really going anywhere but just getting by, I need to read something that will jolt me out of my routine and get me fired up again. This book did it for me; the fire is lit and I am ready again to do battle for God where I am, with who I am and what I have been given. The book is "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore, and here are a few of my favorite fire-igniting quotes so far: "You are a God-clothed woman of valor and you have the privilege to wear divine strength like a garment." (That one I want on my mirror so I can see it every morning!) "Pride is dignity's counterfeit." "Our culture has done us no greater injustice than training us to avoid taking responsibility for our own issues...They have hijacked our healing. A clear heart and a clean path are still only one sincere confession away." "If you know Jesus Christ personally, He has chosen you, too, and has appointed you to accomplish something good. Something that matters. Something prepared for you before time began (Ephesians 2:10). Something meant to have a serious impact within your sphere of influence." So please, don't stay in that place of stagnation, but move, get fired up about something that matters, something with eternal significance. Because it might be your time to speak, to mend, to help the people around you heal. Even just by being who you are, where you are, with what you have. You are clothed with strength and dignity, you beautiful daughter of the King. You are a woman of valor.

Chapter 7 excerpt: "Taking Time Away"

When you are choosing a spot for your family vacation, I recommend finding a place that not only appeals to your whole family, but that is somehow special to you, that you can return to year after year. Some people long for the adventure of the unknown, but to us, in a very uncertain life, it seems comforting to be able to return to a place and have it remain largely unchanged. For my husband’s family, that place is Yosemite National Park. They hike the trails, take in the majestic views, ride bikes around the park, eat in the same restaurants, and take their picture in the same crack in the rock every year. My husband and his siblings love to look back at the pictures and reminisce as they have grown older, and all have returned with their own families. That continues to be a special place to our family, not just because of its awe-inspiring natural beauty, but because my husband is a more relaxed, joyful, and wonder-filled version of himself in the place where he had so many happy childhood memories. He said he can’t go there and look up at the granite cliffs without thinking of how powerful and majestic God is, like Psalm 90:2, “Before the mountains were born or You brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting You are God.” For me, you may have guessed, that place is the Oregon Coast. The dunes, the chilly water, the smooth stones, the vastness of the ocean, they feed my soul; they fulfill a longing in this rambling, world-traveled missionary child’s heart for a true home. I am reminded that “If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast,” Psalm 139:9-10. When I look out over that broad, silver ocean, with small hands clasping my own, anchoring me to earth, and smaller, purer hearts shrieking with sheer delight at the tiny breakers rushing over their feet, I am rooted again in the delight of the moment, reminded again that life can be simple and lovely and full of wonder. So pack your bags. Make your reservations, buy your tickets, or just get in the car and go. Find a hand to hold and something to laugh about and make your memories. Fill your reservoir with joy for the dry times, fill it full, and store up those sweet moments, because we all need to be reminded who we were before life got so crazy, so busy, so complicated. Fall in love with your spouse all over again, laugh with your family over something silly, sit around a fire and talk until the embers die down to a low, friendly glow. And then treasure these things in your heart.

Taking Time Away

A couple of weeks ago my little one came bounding into my room, hands stuck in a Seahawks hat, asking, “Can you help me fit my bun into this?” I laughed, since I was just pulling my own hair into a bun through the back of my own baseball cap. That evening we were all excited, since we were taking our two girls to their very first baseball game. Never mind that it was only AAA, and that the partly cloudy sky turned to a heavy drizzle during the sixth inning. We had the best time as we took it all in through the eyes of a five- and seven-year-old: the giant field; the stadium filled with more people than they had ever seen in one place; the vast array of delicious snacks to choose from (we settled on the classics- hot dogs and cotton candy); and, of course, the game itself, set free from our TV screen and alive in front of them. They learned about strikes and runs, danced the Macarena, and sang “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” It was an evening they will remember forever, and we will, too. The best part was when we were all huddled together, girls snuggled up on our laps under fleece blankets when the rain really began to come down. No one was ready to leave, and we witnessed the tie game turn into a dramatic win in the ninth inning, leaving us with the ecstatic feeling of victory as we made our way back to the car, the big one skipping along with her hand tucked in mine and the little one high up on Daddy’s strong shoulders. What kind of memories do you have as a family? What sweet, funny, or touching moments are tucked away in your mind, ready to be pulled out when you need to be reminded what a wonderful life you are blessed to live? What plans do you have to create those kinds of memories? Taking time away as a family and as a couple is crucial to forming that family identity and close bond that you will all need to be resilient in the difficult times.

Police Memorial Week

Not that we need any reminders that the police officers in our lives have a dangerous job, but this is a week where we are to remember the fallen. It is time to take a deep breath and ask God to comfort those who have lost a loved one in the line of duty, and to thank God for the officers in our lives that would give just as much if they had to. It is time to stop taking your precious moments together for granted, because while you were exchanging angry words out of frustration with your beloved, someone else's beloved never made it home, and they don't have the chance to say "I'm sorry" like you have right now. It is time to take your moments one at a time and own them, to choose your words carefully and decide to bless your spouse with them instead of cursing, to heal instead of hurt, to hold instead of push away. Say the loving words your pride doesn't want you to say. Start to love like you know you should. When your family is laughing and having a tickle war on the living room floor, instead of excusing yourself to clean up the kitchen, get down there with them and join in. This week, take time to remember the fallen, to be grateful and thankful for their sacrifice, and to honor their memory by using your days well. This is a better tribute to those who have given their lives than any sticker on your car.