Putting It On

The alarm goes off early, while the world is still dark and sleepy. You fight off the sleep-warm blankets that want to draw you back in to their safety and comfort, and you sit up straight on the edge of the bed and stretch. You stand up, purpose already in your movements, and you begin to put on duty and honor while everyone else sleeps. You go about dressing mostly from memory; same arms into sleeves in the same order as every work day for the last eleven years. The vest is always first, though, and you strap the Velcro pieces into place in the same order as well. Duty is even spelled out in the tools you wear: duty belt, duty weapon. Your hands make miniscule adjustments to your belt, moving gear into place without needing your eyes to tell them where to go. Things need to be where you expect them to be if the unexpected happens; but judging by the way you prepare for your day, it would not be unexpected to you. Today you have the same cough and sore throat that have caused so many others to call in sick for the day, but you did not do that. You knew that would leave your crew short-handed, and so there you are, clearing your throat and stuffing a handful of cough drops into one of your many pockets, duty even in what you don’t do as much as in what you do. There is great faithfulness in how you begin each day, and it speaks to who you are off-duty as well as on. You wear invisible armor as well, which allows words from the ignorant and the cowards to sear, but not wound deeply, because you would fight for them, too, if they called you. They don’t understand this, but you do. It is called duty. And every day, you put it on. Today I was awake early enough to see it.

Dealing With Disappointment

I was in the grocery store with my children last week, browsing the colorful fall produce and figuring out which kind of apples to buy, feeling sort of bewildered by all the different kinds and wondering if the taste was really all that different. I settled on Sweeties, mainly because they looked like Galas, which I usually buy, but cost the same as plain old Red Delicious, which we recently decided have the worst tasting peel of all apples. Yes I know, we are spoiled Americans, and we also live in Washington State, so we are also apparently apple snobs. After I finished bagging our carefully chosen fruit, my older daughter asked, "So, what kind did we get?" I told her we got the Sweeties, thinking the cute name would definitely appeal to a seven-year-old girl. She wanted different apples and commenced with the mother of all whining fits right there in the middle of the produce section, embarrassing the heck out of me and leaving me wondering whose child this was in front of me who suddenly sounded more like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory than the reasonable, cheerful, and usually even-tempered child I had in recent years come to expect. I quickly paid for our groceries and got out of Dodge, and when we got home some well-earned consequences were handed out, but I was left feeling incredibly frustrated at the fact that I was still fighting this same battle of responding to disappointment with my children. I thought we had crossed this bridge at four, and again at five, and again and again and again, and then it hit me that we never really get over feeling like shrieking when we perceive that something unfair is being done to us. When we are in preschool, someone takes our toy and won't give it back. When we are in grade school someone cheats at foursquare and beats us. In junior high, someone cheats off our test and gets a better grade then we do. In high school a friend ends up dating the boy we liked first. And then adulthood arrives, and all those problems disappear, because we are grownups now, and we surely don't have to deal with such childish behavior anymore, right? Wrong. Someone else gets the job you worked so hard to get, that you really thought you deserved. Or you are told that you are not right for a position that you know you would be great at! Or you try to have a baby for years while everyone else around you seems to have no trouble at all popping them out. Or you have to move away so that your husband can continue to have his dream job, but you have to leave yours behind. I didn't have to make any of these things up; this is my real life. And I'm sure you have a list of your own that looks pretty similar. What have you had to come to terms with in your life? What have you had nearly in your grasp, but it just seemed it wasn't meant to be? And for the clincher: have you yet said "Thank you!" for not getting what you wanted? If you can put some distance between yourself and your injustices, you might notice that because you didn't get what you wanted, something even greater happened instead, something you could not have imagined when you thought you knew what you wanted. Because I didn't get the boy I thought I wanted, I noticed another boy, one who I fell in love with at 15 years old and have now been married to for eleven years and together with for almost 20. We couldn't have a baby when we first got married, but eventually we had two little girls when the time was right. Our move opened up a new way of life for us, and strengthened our marriage and our faith. Life did not go the way we planned at any step of the way, but we learned (and are still learning) a priceless lesson. What we want, what we think we should have, might not be what we get. We might even have to watch, even smile and applaud, as others get what we think should have been ours. But it is okay, and we can let it go easier the older we get, as we have seen how to be thankful for what we didn't get, and how to wait for the better thing that always comes later. It can still hurt, but I don't have to stew in the hurt if I can remember to get up, brush off, and then expectantly look forward to what else will come along. I now have another job interview sometime in the next two weeks that I'm excited about. My husband is working on some new career goals after being told he can't proceed with something he's always wanted to do. And my daughter told me today that Sweeties are her new favorite apple, and she's sorry she said she didn't want them in the store. "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

Gotta Get Away?

It is hard to do, especially with children, but you have to take time away with your hubby once in a while if you want to keep that flame alive, even in the healthiest of marriages. Prioritizing time with each other allows you to stay connected to the person to whom you committed your life. You must choose time with him over other people (sometimes even your kids), continually get to know him as you both grow and change, and then you will become again “in his eyes like one bringing contentment” (Song of Songs 8:10). Practical tips for taking time away with your spouse: 1) Choose a destination that you both can enjoy. I love to lay on the beach, but my husband hates it, so we go places that have both poolside lounging for me and shopping and other activities for him. Then we take turns doing things together that the other enjoys, hopefully with no complaining! 2) Make sure you are not too busy on your vacation to hold hands, which reminds him to “enjoy the wife of his youth.” 3) If you do go away with other couples, which can be really fun, be sure to set aside a meal or other time that is just for the two of you. Otherwise you may get home and realize that you had a great time but didn’t really talk to your spouse at all! 4) Go away together at least once a year, and not only on your anniversary, when the stakes are high for things to be perfect. Relax and enjoy each other! What my husband and I have loved most about all our getaways over the years have been the little things: singing along to the radio together in the car, holding hands as we walked around (hard to do at home with little ones in strollers), talking about our future together, and unknowingly creating memories that we still laugh about today, like my sweet husband getting to our honeymoon with only one shoe in his bag, the trip when a trainer let us touch, give commands to, and interact with the dolphins at Sea World because we were the only guests in the park on a rainy Thursday, or the Yosemite trip where I nearly flattened about twenty tourists because I didn’t think I could forget how to ride a bicycle, but was proved wrong. Because of our time spent together, my husband and I have a shared history that carries us through the day to day, that creates an understanding between us that we are on the same team, and that binds us together with affection and laughter on days when there would otherwise be a shortage.

How a grieving family put faith in action: A Legacy of Faith & Safety - Lifeline Training - LawOfficer.com

A Legacy of Faith & Safety - Lifeline Training - LawOfficer.com

The Green Crayon of Despair

It's exactly what it sounds like. I opened the door to the dryer, expecting clean, fluffy, dry clothes. Instead, I found despair. Okay, maybe despair is extreme; maybe it was frustration and anger followed by resignation, but it was bad. There, a silent harbinger of doom resting on top of the lint trap, was the hollow shell of a green crayon wrapper. I pulled out the lint trap and was met with the horror of green drips that cascaded down the screen and puddled at the bottom, already hardened and immovable. As I slowly pulled my children's clothes out of the dryer one piece at a time, the green, oily, waxy stains became larger and larger, streaming down jeans, mottling t-shirts, coating entire sleeves of sweatshirts. The crayon covered more area in its death than it ever could have in its life. The only piece of clothing that had survived the onslaught was an old, faded pair of jeans with a hole in the knee belonging to my seven-year-old, unfit for anything but playing in the back yard. The injustice of it slapped me in the face. I called my mother, but she had no magic solution for the mess. I turned to my old friend, Google. The cure involved a trip to the grocery store, but I came home armed and ready for battle. Two days and three washes later, all but one sweatshirt was saved. What did I learn? To really check all the pockets with a renewed passion before doing the laundry of a five and seven-year-old. And also, that life goes on. There is life after the green crayon of despair. I am living proof. And like the piles of filth I sweep up week after week from a seemingly clean kitchen floor, dirt and mess are evidence of life being lived to the fullest. No leaves are tracked in if kids aren't playing outside in the sunshine and learning to climb halfway up the chestnut tree. My mom related to me that before my grandpa passed away, when he was struggling with Parkinson's disease, my grandma realized how his quality of life had diminished by the stark fact that when she checked his pockets before the wash, they were empty. No loose change, no tractor bolts, no rolls of Lifesavers, no scraps of paper with phone numbers of friends and business contacts. Not a thing. I once washed my husband's pocket-sized notebook in which he would record details of his shift. It disintegrated into little bits. I have found change, a handcuff key, tubes of Chapstick. Signs of life. I have lived through the green crayon, and emerged with understanding and even thankfulness. God, thank you for life, even if I have to scrub it off with Oxyclean, Soft Scrub, and Shout. Help me to have a better attitude about the precious lives I clean up after. Amen. Instructions for cleaning crayon out of the dryer and the clothes: 1) Clean the lint trap screen with Soft Scrub on a damp paper towel. Rinse and let dry. Clean the rest of the lint trap with a toothpick, your fingernails, a butter knife, etc. 2) Clean the dryer drum with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. 3) Pre-treat each clothing stain with Shout, the gel kind with the scrubby brush at the tip. Soak in the washer in hot water for one hour in Oxyclean and extra detergent. Wash as usual. Do this as many times as necessary until stains disappear.

How we have made it this far...

Eleven years of marriage. Eighteen years of being a couple, no breakups (but a few nasty fights into the wee hours of the morning because we refuse to sleep apart or go to bed angry). One beautiful, perfect wedding. Five homes in two different states. Two different police agencies. Six wretched months of unemployment. One giant, uprooting, painful move from which God is still working his astonishing, astounding, and profound good. A month and a half of living with our parents in between moves. Four years of college and four of graduate school, followed by eight different jobs for me. Two years of infertility. Two babies, beautiful girls that stole our hearts and take our breath away, with their beauty, their sweetness, and with how hard they make us laugh at ages five and seven. Two cats and two fish. One critical incident. Two trials. Two distinct moments where I held my breath on the phone as I waited for him to tell me the verdict. Once, my world crumbled. The second time, it stayed intact. Two tough years with too much silence and too much pain in the waiting, but not enough to throw in the towel, thank God. Eight years before in which to grow strong together, and one year since to see how much stronger and deeper we are, having weathered the storm. He is a part of me, and when part of you is hurting, you do not cut it off and throw it away. You take it to a good doctor, spending all you have if necessary to make it better. God is our Great Physician. Without Him at the center of our marriage we could not have made it. I feel such joy in our marriage, such security and contentment, and I know we both appreciate how hard we fought to get here; how much sweeter the victory is when we look at where we have been. God was carrying us in the difficult times, and he carries us now. "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12-13

Do's and Don't's of Police Wife Friendships

Being a very outgoing person, I have had my share of great relationships and also some not-so-great relationships. Here are some guidelines based on what I have learned, to help you keep your relationships healthy and encouraging. I wish I could say I always stick to them, but these are best-case scenario. Do your best, and avoid the drama that negativity, gossip, and neglect of your marriage can cause! 1) Don't be a complainer, and don't entertain complainers. Complainers just want to whine and don't want to think about how to fix the problem. Vent for a minute and then look for solutions. Be a positive influence on each other! 2) Do discuss department problems to alert each other to possible danger or to understand what is happening to your husband at work, but don't be a gossip, spreading hearsay just for the sake of drama. 3) Don't husband-bash. Sharing a funny story or asking for advice, help, or prayer for a particular problem is one thing, but trashing your man to someone else (who is probably the wife of his friend) is not appropriate, and very dishonoring. 4) Do your best to be at home when your husband is home, and encourage your friends to do the same. Shifts come and go, and there will be time to spend with your friends that doesn't overlap into family time. Boys' Night Out and Girls' Night Out are the exceptions! 5) Do look for interests or hobbies that you can do together. My friend Nancy and I help each other organize closets, kid's clothes, etc. or watch movies while our husbands are working, in addition to sharing recipes, craft ideas, and sewing projects. 6) Encourage each other to work through the difficulties of life instead of walking away from them. Sometimes you just need to hear someone say, "This is hard. But you can work through it! And you are not alone!" Also remember, some relationships are there so that you can build the other person up, even when they have nothing to offer you. Step out and be a friend, but keep to the guidelines as well. Maintain a balance in your life of friends who pull from you and friends who fill you up. And let God use you in your relationships to draw others to him!