Chapter 3: Building Him Up- an exerpt from my book in progress

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” Genesis 2:18 “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” Proverbs 12:25 When I began to realize that I was falling in love with the teenage boy who would one day become my husband, I asked my mother, “How do you know if you really love someone?” I was sixteen and, of course, fully convinced that I knew what love was, but I recognized her wisdom even then, and have never forgotten her words. They have shaped my decision-making, my behavior, and my life ever since. She told me, “If something happened to him and he was stuck in a wheelchair, or never able to hold you or tell you he loved you, or able to do anything for you ever again, would you want to stay with him? If you had to do everything for him, and could never expect anything in return, would you still spend your life taking care of him? That is love.” Not only was my mother’s answer very telling of the generosity with which she has always loved others, but isn’t that just how God loves us? Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” While we were unable to do anything for God, handicapped by our sin and mute to express our gratitude, God sent his precious Son to die for us in the unrelenting hope that we will one day love him back. This seems like an impossible ideal of love for us to aim for in our marriages, but what would it look like if we tried? Either you have been through a situation like the one I am about to describe, or you will go through it at some point in your marriage to a law enforcement officer, but it is inevitable. You will come to a point in your marriage where you will realize that you are giving and giving and giving love to your spouse, but for any number of reasons-- depression, physical exhaustion, emotional distress, a difficult work schedule--your spouse seems unwilling or unable to reciprocate. Now what? How can you go on encouraging, helping, building your husband up day after day out of your own dwindling resources of strength? And what about your needs? First, go to the source of strength yourself. Like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first in the event of an airplane emergency, you must pull your strength from God before you try to minister to your husband. Allow your Heavenly Father to fill you out of His Word, and out of that deep well you can now draw everything you need to help sustain your husband and your family. “My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken,” Psalm 62:1-2. If you look to God for that strength that you need, instead of calling your friends or your mom, or putting more fun things on the credit card, you will find rest for your soul, and the unshakeable peace and strength you need to get through even the worst of times. Spend time each day reading your Bible, memorizing passages that encourage you and speak of God’s strength and faithfulness. You cannot expect to pour out what you have not first been filled with. Secondly, do your best, with much prayer, to understand where your husband is coming from and ask God to show you how to encourage him. God sustained my marriage through a very painful time when my husband was relieved from duty, forced to wait six months without pay for a trial in which he was wrongfully accused, after which he resigned from his job. He was sent home from work the day before Thanksgiving, our first holiday season with our firstborn daughter, who was nine months old at the time. Not only could my husband no longer financially provide for his family, but he had been entirely stripped of his confidence, his dignity, and his identity. I saw that a man who cannot provide for his family does not feel like much of a man at all; in fact, he even encouraged me to leave him. Intense feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness became a daily occurrence. My husband had absolutely nothing to give me during that time. And trust me, yelling, “Babe, if you would just read your Bible, you wouldn’t feel so terrible!” would never be received in the kind and helpful way I meant it. So what can you do when your husband is worn down by work, by situations outside of his control, or just by life in general? 1) Tell him you love him each day, as often as you can, in as many ways as you can. 2) Tell him you appreciate him, and don’t make it about what he contributes, but about who he is. 3) Pick up the slack with a smile on your face. If Jesus could choose to die for me while I was still covered in the mess of my sin, I can care for the needs of my household with a cheerful heart. Even if that means taking out the trash myself again. 4) Memorize Scripture passages and pray them over him. For example, as I write this, my husband is being sued in federal court for reasons I will explain later. I am memorizing Psalm 62, and so each day I pray, “God, today let Jeff find rest for his soul in You alone. Let him see that You are his Rock, his salvation, his fortress. Let him never be shaken because he trusts in you.” My four-year-old prayed that with me, and it was so precious to hear her say, “God, you are Daddy’s Rock and his fortress. Daddy will not be shaken.” I could just see God smiling as he honored that request so confidently asked. 5) Choose verses that you believe will bring encouragement to your husband, and put them where he will see them. Some of my favorite places are the bathroom mirror (by the time his trial is over we’ll barely be able to see ourselves), on the nightstand, or under his keys on the kitchen counter. Every once in a while, include a risqué one from Song of Songs. You may even get him to smile again!