And I'm still laughing...

So, in my last post, I ranted about having to go back to school and redo all of my credential requirements. I was pretty frustrated, but I still felt that God would lead me to the right place at the right time. After all, I had a great teaching job ahead of me that I had not looked for, financial provision for our family to pay off all debt (car payments, credit card, student loans, all of it would be gone!), and the ability to be around my children and working at the same time. But in view of all the positives, I still felt a nagging at my heart that I was getting ahead of where I really wanted to be. I told a few close friends that I felt like I had gotten on a train that was speeding up faster than I wanted and carrying me quickly to a place I wasn't sure I wanted to go. Was I really ready to be back in the full-time workforce, hauling my kiddos off to school with me at 7:30 and arriving home after 5, just to make dinner, do homework, grade papers, watch a show or two with the husband after putting kiddos to bed, and then drag my weary carcass off to bed? Day after day? Part of me, a big part, longed to stay home and clean the house, catch up on laundry, make well-planned meals made from well-planned grocery shopping lists, have mental energy available to help with homework and patience left over to deal with everyone else's end of the day fatigue without being totally wiped out myself. I was romaticizing my children's preschool years, thinking I had so much more time and energy then, and maybe I did. But I was committed to going back to teaching, and really excited about it most of the time. That is, until I took the test. Not a teaching test. A little plastic stick, the kind you pee on and then pray a lot over. And when I saw the result, all the blood drained out of my head and I sat in the bathroom, in shock, for a good thirty minutes. Long enough for a child of mine to come and knock on the door, "Mom, what are you doing? I'm hungry!" I numbly went through the motions of making dinner, but all I could think about was what my husband would say, how he would react, how upset he would be. He wasn't upset at all when I told him that night over the phone (He was away on a guys trip), and actually, he seemed excited. He viewed it as a new adventure we were on, something new we were about to discover about ourselves and our family. Once I heard his response, I was able to relax, and that is when I started to laugh. I haven't stopped since. Whenever people I haven't seen in a while say, "You're pregnant!" I just laugh. When people ask what I am going to do with a new baby six years after my last baby, I just laugh. I can't help it. God is so funny! There I was, cherishing a secret desire to stay home again when I thought I should want to teach full time, and this was God's answer to my family's need. They all do better when I am at home. But I am stubborn, an unstoppable force when I get an idea in my head, and God threw out a massive roadblock to my stubbornness- a tiny, helpless baby, the one thing He knew I could not ignore. This is not to say no one should go back to work full time after having a baby. I have done it with my first child, and sometimes you have to. Sometimes you want to, although I think that is more rare. But you have to know what is best for your family. I know they need me here, at least for a few more years. Then when I have one in preschool or kindergarten, one in elementary school, and one in junior high, I'll have to decide again. But I know God is already there, opening doors and making the way for me, because for some crazy reason, He loves me. One of my daughters' favorite worship songs right now says, "I know who goes before me; I know who stands behind." He is here now, guiding me, and He is there guiding you if you have put your trust in Him. I can laugh at the days to come, I know because I already am laughing!