Finding Real Friends

Let's face it, we need each other right now. It feeds my soul to sit down with a good friend and a cup of coffee, and just share life. My worries over where our world is headed, my questions about how to deal with the newest stage of my children's lives, or what color I should paint my kitchen, from big to small, monumental to incidental, I need a friend to share them with. My husband can't be my only friend, even though he is my best one! Also, he does not care about kitchen colors! My friendships ebb and flow with the seasons of my life; some friends are there to stay through it all, and some are just for a season. Right now I seem to be making new friends every time I turn around, which is really fun! But is there more to it than that? How can you create an intentional group of women who can do more than just chat about kitchen colors, a group that can share the really deep things and connect on a heart level? I like to begin by thinking through my friends and asking, who can I trust? Who doesn't share the secrets of others with me? (Which implies that they would not share my secrets with others!) Who has a desire to connect? Some people are fun to talk to, but don't really want to share anything deeper. That's okay, and maybe you should include them anyway and give them a chance to open up. And who makes me want to be a better person, who I believe will not push our time into gossiping or husband-bashing? Who do I see around me who might need this group even more than I do? Who needs to be drawn in? Next, what can you do together that will facilitate sharing and deeper conversation? I am a hands-on person, and enjoy trading parenting tips, marriage stories, and life wisdom over a pottery-painting session, mosaic-making evening, beading class, or sewing time. One evening, our church gathered women together and provided us with fleece blanket kits to make together for foster children. We cut the fringe and tied all those tiny knots, talking and making friends in small groups as we worked on our blankets, and thinking about the precious children who would receive them. A friend I connected with during that evening became my my biggest cheerleader and mentor on my book-writing adventure. Another time, I gathered a group of police wives from our department at a local bead store and we created blue beaded bracelets we could wear in honor of our husbands, with charms on them that had words like "courage," "integrity," and "strength." We shared a lot of police wife stories, advice, and encouragement over that table, and we all left feeling like our burdens were a bit lighter now that we had shared them with women who understood. You may not enjoy doing crafts, and just want to get friends together over a yummy informal dinner of delicious appetizer foods that everyone brings, or have after-dinner snacks around a backyard fire pit, or go for a long walk in a group, or sit around the playroom or playground once a week while the little ones play in the middle. No matter what you do, make it intentional that there will be no badmouthing allowed, and let the good talks roll. Who can you draw into your circle of friends today? What kinds of things will your group do together? How often will you meet? All that is up to you. But begin today, and soon you will see around you a group of women you can count on, share life with, and be thankful for. Real friends. Isn't that what we all need right now?

How Do I Get Through Today?

I don't watch the news, so it always starts with a phone call from my husband. "Did you hear what happened in Baton Rouge?" My heart drops into my stomach. "No." "Three more were killed." And then I ask if he's okay, and tell him I'm sorry, and we say we love each other and hang up. And now, with the whole day still ahead of me until he comes home and I can see his face, hold him, and be certain I am not a widow today, I have to figure out how to be okay. If you are a police wife, these are times we need each other in our law enforcement family. Everyone else we know feels sad, and feels that the world is falling apart, but that doesn't quite touch how we feel. A man just like our husband went to work to do what our husband does, wearing the uniform our husband wears, and was killed for it. Now a woman just like us with kids just like ours will wait for her husband to come home so she can hold him and know that she is not a widow today, except he won't come. Other officers will come to her door, deliver the horrible news, and she will have to tell her children that their father will not ever come home again, that the evil today was more than he could fight off, and that they will not see him again on this side of heaven. My heart comes unraveled for her, for those children,and for the days ahead of them. I think of her while I do the dishes, and wonder if she will be able to find peace and comfort. I pray for her like I know her, and I plead that she and her children will be provided for, that there will be strength and comfort for them today. The loss is personal, the tears flow, and my heart aches. So how can I get through today? After talking with a few police wife friends, this is what we have to offer you, in case you are crying over your kitchen sink like we are. 1. Grieve. Cry. This is our family, our brothers and sisters, not just a news story. We don't have to be fine. This is our loss too, and it hurts. 2. Unplug. Get the details of the story that you need, and then stop reading about it or watching it unfold. It just makes my blood pressure skyrocket to hear the comments of people who don't understand, or who want us to feel sorry for murderers. Turn it off. 3. Connect with friends who understand. Now is not the time to listen to the advice of people who don't get it. I can tell my best friend, who happens to be a police wife, that I am sad, and she doesn't tell me that at least it hasn't happened near us yet. We both know geography is no safety net. We can be angry about it to each other without needing to post all our thoughts on Facebook. We can cry together, hug each other, and be a comfort. 4. Pray. Nothing is going to fix this mess but God, since he is the only one who has the power to change hearts. Pray that the people who hate the police would have a change of heart, that God would convict their hearts of sin, that he would protect the officers who are doing all they can to protect us all, and that he would comfort the widows, the children, and the families of the fallen officers. Pray that God would keep your heart at peace, that he would free you from the anxiety that threatens to strangle you sometimes, and that you would be able to show his love and compassion to the people around you. Our pastor said on Sunday that it is our response to deep hurts that will influence the hearts of others. 5. Save your wisdom for people who will hear it. There are a lot of foolish people out there spouting off a lot of nonsense about why this is happening. Idiots are going to keep on being idiots even in the face of reason. Don't bother trying to enlighten people like that. Some people actually want to understand things like evidence, facts, and statistics, and those are the ones you can talk to. Leave the rest alone. 6. Have hope. There will be justice, but this world is broken and fallen, and sometimes justice will not be served until Act II. God is not slow, forgetful, or political. His justice will be swift and complete when his time is right. We have to rest in that knowledge when it seems that wicked people are having their way in the world. The story is not over, but when it is, you can be sure that everyone will reap what they have sowed, and there will be justice.

10 Things I Learned About Perseverance From a Very Young Unicycler

I'm biting my nails and I may not have any eyebrows left soon, since I keep pulling on them. My eight-year-old has just three more weeks to make the unicycle club in time for the school circus. Just three short weeks to pedal her way all around the perimeter of the gym, and if she cannot, well, I'm not going there right now because my mama bear heart cannot fathom the depths of pain and disappointment that will result. For now, I'm focusing on persevering, because she is our Mighty Mouse, small but brave, bright, adventurous, and hilarious. Everything she does is to the utmost degree, every day to her is the best day ever, and she has attacked unicycling with the single-minded determination of Patton in Europe. But she keeps falling. And falling. And falling. I have seen her fall hundreds of times, in so many hard crashes that I think she'll need new kneecaps before she reaches 5th grade. But what I have learned about persevering from watching her has challenged my heart and made me wish I could be like her. 1. When you fall, get up as fast as you can. That way you have more time to work on getting better before time runs out. 2. Keep your tears for in the car. Don't waste time crying during practice. 3. Some people will start after you and finish first. That hurts, but it doesn't mean you aren't any good. 4. You will be covered in bruises. That is part of learning. 5. Sometimes you can go all the way across the gym, but no one sees. Somehow, they all see when you fall right away. Keep going. 6. Every day, you get a little better, but only if you show up for practice. 7. Pedal just a little further than you think you can, and your balance may fix itself. 8. When you look at what other people are doing that is better than you, you fall. Focus on your own work. 9. Don't pay attention to people who tell you to give up, or who say unkind things. Show them they are wrong when you succeed. 10. Say "I can. I can. I can." That little engine knew what he was talking about. Go get it, Girl. And when you do, come and give your Mama a big hug. I'm rooting for you!

How to Shine

My husband laughs at me whenever I tell him what I think about while I weed the garden, do the laundry, or in the most recent case, clean the toilets. He says, "Who thinks about that while they clean the bathroom?" I say, "I do. So there must be other people. I'm not that original." Here was my thought while on my knees in the bathroom, wiping down the sides and underbelly of the childrens' toilet, holding my breath and trying to work quickly. Why is it that the grossest, most humbling jobs of taking care of our household seem to require that we be on our knees? It is a posture that forces a humble attitude. Some people do not stoop to clean toilets. They pay someone to do it. I know, because I cleaned houses for a time, a very humbling experience. So now, in cleaning my own family's bathrooms, when I find myself on my knees, my thoughts wander from what I am doing to the humble posture. I have heard others talk about the holy calling of motherhood, and what a sacred work we do in raising a generation to follow Jesus. They don't generally talk about toilets. But I'm going to, for just a minute longer. On my knees, whether cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing food off of the floor below the high chair, cleaning spilled soda off of the living room rug, or wiping up the wood floor after my naked toddler decided to mark his territory before the bath, I have a chance to be grumbling or thankful. There is a lot of dirty work mixed into this sacred calling, and we are the ones holding the sponge. We can complain about the spills, the stains, the mess, or we can thank God for this family we've been entrusted with. We can take the opportunity, while already on our knees, to ask God for help in displaying his great love and care to our family. We can, as my mom said of my grandpa, who served for years as a Christian camp manager, choose not to distinguish between the secular and the sacred, and do all our work to the glory of God. Dishes, laundry, dinners, and bathing little ones are all sacred work when we allow God's love to shine through us as we serve our families. Philippians 2:14-16 says, "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life." Colossians 3:23-24 says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

Tech Time Cards for Responsible Kids

Are you looking for a way to manage your kids' technology use at home? We are always looking for ways to teach our kids to manage themselves, and after lots of conversations with other parents, and reaching a point of frustration with our own kids and the whining for more game time, we settled on a system that is working well for us. Maybe it can work for you, too! 1. Determine expectations. In our home, any homework and chores had to be done first before technology could be used. We wanted our kids to play with their toys, dress-up, and with each other more than we wanted them using the computer and XBOX. We wanted our kids to be able to manage their own time on the devices and not depend on us to tell them when to start and stop. 2. Decide on how much time is acceptable in your family. As expectations vary by family, so will time. We have a ten-year-old daughter and a seven-year-old daughter who both love to dress up and pretend- farm, cafe, diner, vet's office, etc. They love to play with their little plastic Disney figurines in elaborately plotted, hour-long plays with as complex a story line as any Hollywood movie. They love to scooter in the driveway, ride bikes, jump rope, and draw with sidewalk chalk. They love to do crafts. These things are important to them, but the XBOX Kinect is fun and alluring, and when the system recently moved into their playroom after my husband upgraded to a new system, it was an ever-present challenge to their normal creative play. For us, three 15 minute XBOX sessions, two 20 minute computer sessions, and an extra 15 minutes of XBOX play to be used when a friend is over during the week seemed like plenty of time (Times given are per child). If your family needs more time, give them more time. Or less. It's your family. You know them best. 3. Decide when time can be used. We have ballet and piano, friends over, and church activities during the week, not to mention homework and reading time, so we chose not to allow the XBOX to be used during the week, unless it was the friend pass. The kids love Brain Pop, PBSkids.org, and other educational sites for their computer time, so they are able to redeem those minutes during the week. The cards are given out on Monday, and any used cards are placed in a special spot in the kitchen. My kids will bring the cards to me and let me know they are using their time, and all I have to do is say okay. They fire up the XBOX or the computer and set the timer. When Monday rolls around again, I return all used cards back to them to use again. 4. Revisit the system occasionally to see how it is working, or if it requires any adjustments. I asked my older daughter what she thought of it, since it seemed to be running smoothly for the first two weeks we used it. She said that she really liked it, because she got to choose when she could play, instead of checking with me. If she wanted to play 45 minutes of XBOX on Saturday, that was her choice, but if she wanted to spread out her time, she could do that, too. She felt that she was more in control of her time and her choices. Several weeks into it, however, she was supposed to be using a friend pass with her cousins, and she used up all of their time "showing them how to play." I let the cousins continue to play but I confiscated one of her passes from the next week. She agreed that the consequence was fair and moved on (Yay!). My younger daughter likes the system because she knows she gets just as much time on the game as her older sister, and fairness is so important to little sisters! I love seeing my kids gain life skills, and this taught them a few: time management, budgeting, and responsibility. It also is a great measurement of integrity- are they setting the timer accurately? Are they turning in their cards when they use them? Are all the used cards still on the counter at the end of the week? I hope they are in your family as well. Honor is a crucial character quality, and this system depends on it. I am counting our tech time cards a success, and I hope this is something you can implement as you teach your kids to use technology in moderation, to value face-to-face human relationships above electronic entertainment, and to prioritize their time according to their values. None of these are an easy task in our culture today, but our kids, the people they will grow up to become, and the people they will grow up to love are all worth it. Don't give up on them now because it's tough! Press on, Mama! If you like this idea, or if you are able to use it in your family, post a comment below to let me know how it works for you!

From Herding Kittens To Getting Out The Door In The Morning In Peace

I'm going to confess something to you: I am a poor manager of my time. I drive my husband crazy because I can't seem to get ready on time, and having three children did not help me become any more punctual. We lived in a house five minutes from school and my girls still had an embarrassing number of tardies. Shame on mama. Not to mention that my older daughter, who already was an anxious little thing, would always ask, no matter where we were going, "Mama, are we late?" And that I was growing tired of feeling frantic, and wanted to say sweet, encouraging things to my kids in the morning to send them off on their way besides "Hurry! Hurry!" Something had to give. Two years later, which included a long term subbing position at the school, a new baby, and a move further out of town, I am happy to say that we are on time every day. I don't tell my kids to hurry. And best of all, our mornings are peaceful, which means my kids generally head into school with smiles and a spring in their step, so I'm going to share some of our systems with you. Your kids deserve to have a happy start to their day, too, and it doesn't take more work from you, so you can take a breath and relax! 1. It starts with the clock. Figure out how much time it actually takes to get up, get ready, eat breakfast, pack lunches, load into the car, and complete your drive to school. Then set the alarm accordingly. I need a 10 minute cushion to snooze, so I add that in and set my alarm ten minutes earlier than I actually want to step out of bed. My girls also have an alarm clock for themselves, and must get up to it. If not, I come in with a spray bottle of water. I have only had to do that once! 2. We start getting ready the day before. When the kids complete their homework, it gets signed and then they put everything back in their backpacks and hang them up on the hooks by their door. Their coats and gloves are also hanging there, right where they placed them when they got home from school. Their shoes are in their own bins in the front closet, easy to locate and match before heading out the door, right where they put them when they got home from school. Their clothes are often already chosen and placed in a stack in their room, ready to dress in the morning without having to spend time making decisions, which is difficult enough for two young girls! Please notice that I am not doing this! I trained them, over a period of weeks with reminders, to put things where they belong so that they are in the right spot when they need them next. This is a life skill, and it is never too early to train kids to put things away where they belong! Toddlerhood is the best time, but if you are having to start now, a daily inspection, followed by lots of praise when they get it right and gentle guidance when they don't, is usually enough to get them on track. 3. I set them up for success in the kitchen. When I clean up dinner, I often put favorite leftovers into small containers and set them in the front of the fridge so the kids can grab them for lunches in the morning. I keep a plastic bin on a low shelf with all the small containers and lids they need to pour snack-size portions of cereal, fish crackers, pretzels, etc. On another low shelf I have the snack basket, which I stock with granola bars, baggies of cereal, crackers, and other dry foods they might want for breakfast or to pack in their lunches. In the fridge, again on a low shelf, there are fruit cups, yogurt, string cheese, lunch meat, sugar snap peas, and other things they like to eat at school. In the cabinets, the peanut butter and bread are within their reach. This has all been planned out with one goal in mind: my kids need to be able to pack their own lunches. For most of last year, I was nursing a baby, and it was incredibly helpful for my other children to be able to help themselves in the morning. I wondered why I hadn't thought of it before! What I love now is the cooperation I see in the morning between them, as one child sometimes fills both lunch bags with snacks and the other takes care of the waffles in the toaster. Not only are they learning to be independent, but also to look out for and be considerate of each other. Meanwhile, I can feed the toddler and dress him, write notes to put in their lunches, and inspect their lunches to make sure they are packing veggies, protein, etc. and not just three different kinds of breakfast cereal. 4. I changed my language. When my kids were smaller, we had a list that a teacher sent home that hung on the front door knob. It had cute little pictures of a backpack, shoes, clothes, a toothbrush, and so on for asking if all of those tasks had been completed before heading out the door. It was perfect, and so helpful for the little ones, but my big girls eventually became offended that I would ask them to check the pictures before leaving the house. And I am avoiding saying "Hurry! Hurry!" My girls still need gentle reminders to keep moving forward, but now they sound like this: "What do you still need to do?" or "What time is it, ladies?" They check themselves, or the clock, and keep moving. Granted, some mornings need a little more forceful prodding if we had a little too much fun the night before, and my gentle voice turns to "Shoes!" "Brush!" "Coat!" so we can make it out the door. But no yelling, and no hurrying. That's my personal goal. 5. I embraced who my family is. We need to have a cushion of time to hit the snooze once. We need to have some things ready the night before because only the seven-year-old is really a morning person. You might not need to do these things, but knowing who your family is and what they need to get moving with happy hearts in the morning is the jumping-off point for any system that will work for you. Whether you need to set your clocks earlier than the actual time, or tell yourself it takes longer to get somewhere than it really does, or wear your pajamas to drop your kids off, I'm not judging. In fact, I have done all of the above. But figure out what it will take, and then set everyone up for success, including yourself. Proverbs 31:27-28 says, "She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her." My kids may not be sitting in the car calling me Blessed, but they are no longer asking, "Mama, are we late?" **Sometimes people ask my husband and I about our parenting, because we have kids who are usually obedient and fun to be around. We are doing the best we can by the grace of God, we often make mistakes, and there is no formula for a perfect family. That being said, we also do some deliberate things to try set ourselves and our kids up for success. We try to use the Bible as our authority, common sense, and the advice of wise people God has placed around us. We believe that we need to look long term in our parenting toward the kind of people we would like our children to be one day when they are grown, people who love and serve God and the people around them. I also read a lot of books about parenting, and I'll give you the titles of two of my absolute favorites: Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller; and On Becoming Childwise: Parenting Your Child from Three to Seven Years by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. We have certainly not arrived, but we are on a journey. God bless you as you pursue Him on your own parenting journey!

Missing Diamonds and Having Hope

I may have told you about my ring before, but it's a story that bears retelling, and I feel like it's time to tell you again. Do you ever get in a funk, feeling like you are stuck in a rut? Frustrated that that you have lots of friends but still can't get someone to come over for dinner? Or your friends are in different places in their lives and schedules just don't match up? Or you are lonely and don't have close friends in this season of your life? I'm an outgoing, social person, a "Tigger" personality, and it's hard for me to deal with being alone. It usually happens when my husband is on the night shift, when I look around on a Friday night and think, I have lots of friends. Where are they? On a fun family trip, or home with their own spouse, or too tired from their own busy week to do anything. Poor me, right? Suddenly I'm telling myself I have no friends, like a moody twelve-year-old girl, and there I am, in a funk. It's a pit I just dug for myself and then flung myself into, and I ought to know better, because my history is a minefield of these pits. They are dug by moments of self-doubt, self-pity, always because my focus is on myself in that moment. How can I get out of the pit? The opposite of digging a hole would be building something up, and the opposite of keeping my eyes on myself would be having perspective, zooming out, seeing the panoramic view of my life. The solution is stacking up the memories of when God provided for me and my family, looking back through my history and choosing to see those altar moments instead of the pits. God's people used to stack stones up in a heap to build an altar in remembrance of those moments when God provided for them in an unmistakable way, so they could walk by it later and remember that God came through for them in the past and would do it again in the future. Those altars, those stacked stones, brought hope. Our pastor talked about this very thing on Sunday, confirming in my heart that I needed to share it with you. He shared Psalm 77:11-12, "I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds." He also shared Psalm 37:25, "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread." I can look back through my life and see all the times that felt frustrating or even hopeless, and remember that God came through for me and my family each time, so that we always were provided for: a place to live because a landlord agreed to accept less rent, money for bills that arrived in an envelope from people we barely knew, a job that provided for our family just in time after one was taken away, friends for our family after a time of loneliness. During a particularly difficult time in our family's history, my husband bought me a beautiful ring with my daughter's birthstone at the center and some tiny diamonds on the sides. Two days later, one of the diamonds fell out, and I asked him to take it back to the jeweler and have them fix it, since it happened so quickly. He never did take it back in, and my frustration with him gradually gave way to understanding, as I saw how much he was hurting at the time over outside circumstances, and I had to let it go. God came through for our family in an incredible way very soon after that, and we were able to sell our house quickly instead of foreclosing, a new job was provided, and we began a new life in Washington. I began to see that missing diamond not as a flaw that needed fixing, but as a reminder of that time when everything felt broken and hopeless, but we were still provided for and God sent just what we needed. That missing diamond is still my stack of stones, and I have shared that story with my daughters, with friends, and now with you to give you hope. Whether it's a time of loneliness, financial trouble, sickness, a hurting spouse, or any other difficulty, don't dig a pit to sit in. Build a stack of stones out of those memories of God coming through for you, and dwell in a place of hope instead. "Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer (stone of help), saying "Thus far has the Lord helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12, NIV.