Finding Real Friends

Let's face it, we need each other right now. It feeds my soul to sit down with a good friend and a cup of coffee, and just share life. My worries over where our world is headed, my questions about how to deal with the newest stage of my children's lives, or what color I should paint my kitchen, from big to small, monumental to incidental, I need a friend to share them with. My husband can't be my only friend, even though he is my best one! Also, he does not care about kitchen colors! My friendships ebb and flow with the seasons of my life; some friends are there to stay through it all, and some are just for a season. Right now I seem to be making new friends every time I turn around, which is really fun! But is there more to it than that? How can you create an intentional group of women who can do more than just chat about kitchen colors, a group that can share the really deep things and connect on a heart level? I like to begin by thinking through my friends and asking, who can I trust? Who doesn't share the secrets of others with me? (Which implies that they would not share my secrets with others!) Who has a desire to connect? Some people are fun to talk to, but don't really want to share anything deeper. That's okay, and maybe you should include them anyway and give them a chance to open up. And who makes me want to be a better person, who I believe will not push our time into gossiping or husband-bashing? Who do I see around me who might need this group even more than I do? Who needs to be drawn in? Next, what can you do together that will facilitate sharing and deeper conversation? I am a hands-on person, and enjoy trading parenting tips, marriage stories, and life wisdom over a pottery-painting session, mosaic-making evening, beading class, or sewing time. One evening, our church gathered women together and provided us with fleece blanket kits to make together for foster children. We cut the fringe and tied all those tiny knots, talking and making friends in small groups as we worked on our blankets, and thinking about the precious children who would receive them. A friend I connected with during that evening became my my biggest cheerleader and mentor on my book-writing adventure. Another time, I gathered a group of police wives from our department at a local bead store and we created blue beaded bracelets we could wear in honor of our husbands, with charms on them that had words like "courage," "integrity," and "strength." We shared a lot of police wife stories, advice, and encouragement over that table, and we all left feeling like our burdens were a bit lighter now that we had shared them with women who understood. You may not enjoy doing crafts, and just want to get friends together over a yummy informal dinner of delicious appetizer foods that everyone brings, or have after-dinner snacks around a backyard fire pit, or go for a long walk in a group, or sit around the playroom or playground once a week while the little ones play in the middle. No matter what you do, make it intentional that there will be no badmouthing allowed, and let the good talks roll. Who can you draw into your circle of friends today? What kinds of things will your group do together? How often will you meet? All that is up to you. But begin today, and soon you will see around you a group of women you can count on, share life with, and be thankful for. Real friends. Isn't that what we all need right now?

How Do I Get Through Today?

I don't watch the news, so it always starts with a phone call from my husband. "Did you hear what happened in Baton Rouge?" My heart drops into my stomach. "No." "Three more were killed." And then I ask if he's okay, and tell him I'm sorry, and we say we love each other and hang up. And now, with the whole day still ahead of me until he comes home and I can see his face, hold him, and be certain I am not a widow today, I have to figure out how to be okay. If you are a police wife, these are times we need each other in our law enforcement family. Everyone else we know feels sad, and feels that the world is falling apart, but that doesn't quite touch how we feel. A man just like our husband went to work to do what our husband does, wearing the uniform our husband wears, and was killed for it. Now a woman just like us with kids just like ours will wait for her husband to come home so she can hold him and know that she is not a widow today, except he won't come. Other officers will come to her door, deliver the horrible news, and she will have to tell her children that their father will not ever come home again, that the evil today was more than he could fight off, and that they will not see him again on this side of heaven. My heart comes unraveled for her, for those children,and for the days ahead of them. I think of her while I do the dishes, and wonder if she will be able to find peace and comfort. I pray for her like I know her, and I plead that she and her children will be provided for, that there will be strength and comfort for them today. The loss is personal, the tears flow, and my heart aches. So how can I get through today? After talking with a few police wife friends, this is what we have to offer you, in case you are crying over your kitchen sink like we are. 1. Grieve. Cry. This is our family, our brothers and sisters, not just a news story. We don't have to be fine. This is our loss too, and it hurts. 2. Unplug. Get the details of the story that you need, and then stop reading about it or watching it unfold. It just makes my blood pressure skyrocket to hear the comments of people who don't understand, or who want us to feel sorry for murderers. Turn it off. 3. Connect with friends who understand. Now is not the time to listen to the advice of people who don't get it. I can tell my best friend, who happens to be a police wife, that I am sad, and she doesn't tell me that at least it hasn't happened near us yet. We both know geography is no safety net. We can be angry about it to each other without needing to post all our thoughts on Facebook. We can cry together, hug each other, and be a comfort. 4. Pray. Nothing is going to fix this mess but God, since he is the only one who has the power to change hearts. Pray that the people who hate the police would have a change of heart, that God would convict their hearts of sin, that he would protect the officers who are doing all they can to protect us all, and that he would comfort the widows, the children, and the families of the fallen officers. Pray that God would keep your heart at peace, that he would free you from the anxiety that threatens to strangle you sometimes, and that you would be able to show his love and compassion to the people around you. Our pastor said on Sunday that it is our response to deep hurts that will influence the hearts of others. 5. Save your wisdom for people who will hear it. There are a lot of foolish people out there spouting off a lot of nonsense about why this is happening. Idiots are going to keep on being idiots even in the face of reason. Don't bother trying to enlighten people like that. Some people actually want to understand things like evidence, facts, and statistics, and those are the ones you can talk to. Leave the rest alone. 6. Have hope. There will be justice, but this world is broken and fallen, and sometimes justice will not be served until Act II. God is not slow, forgetful, or political. His justice will be swift and complete when his time is right. We have to rest in that knowledge when it seems that wicked people are having their way in the world. The story is not over, but when it is, you can be sure that everyone will reap what they have sowed, and there will be justice.