Not Too Busy: A Girls' Night How-To

We are a month into the graveyard shift, a time which can be intensely lonely. Some days I don't see my love at all, aside from the silhouette that comes into our room in the dark early morning and starts ripping apart velcro and tossing boots against the wall in his exhaustion and hurry to get to sleep himself. I have a default setting of "hunker down" during this time- with a toddler and two elementary kids, just going to get groceries sucks the life out of me, so thinking up fun outings to do without my parental backup seems like insanity. But we all need some fun, some friendship, something bright and happy to look forward to during the week, all of us, so before this shift change, I laid out a plan. I called it "Not Too Busy," because that is what I need to be. Not too busy with work, school, kids' activities to set aside some friend time. Not too busy to reach out to other possibly lonely women I know. Not too busy to shove the laundry in the bedroom, wipe down bathrooms, and invite friends into my real home, not a magazine page home that looks like no one lives there. I wanted to create a group of friends who were able to share more than texts or posts, who were ready for real human contact, snacks, advice, and the kind of relationships that we are all missing in our miles-wide-but-inches-deep social media-saturated culture. I need real friends. Maybe you are longing for real friends, too. Maybe you are missing friends who hug you, who know what kind of snacks you like, who can share what it's like to be tired but still needing some friend time, and who will take you just as you are. In case you want to create your own Not To Busy group, here's how I went about it: (1) I set my expectations very low. I don't intend to accomplish anything during this time like a craft or movie. It's for talking, but if you bring something to do with your hands, great! Some of us are crafty; some are not. No problem. Dishes still in the sink from dinner? Such is life. Toddler needs to go to bed early? I excuse myself to put him to bed and them come back. I feed the kids an early dinner and then set them loose in the playroom with movies, snacks, all their toys and games, and permission to come out and eat some of the grownup snacks for a few minutes during out two-hour time frame. I am a perfectionist who needed to give myself permission to let my house be less than perfect for friends to see it, or I could not get up the energy to do this every week. I do always clean bathrooms, though! (2) I open my house every week on the same day, at the same time. If my husband happens to be off, he gets to go out with his friends- their wives are at my house anyway. We all get friend time, in that case. This also means that if someone can't make it, they have another chance the following week. (3) I made a contract for my friends to sign. It basically says that whether you are late or on time, bring a snack to share or not, are younger or older, married or single, in jammies or dressed nicely, etc, you are welcome. We are going to be friends who accept each other just as we are. No judgements. We are here to build each other up and to help each other to feel like we belong. Everyone signed it and put email addresses down so I could send out info about our night later. (4) I invited friends from all parts of my life. My school friends, church friends, work friends, police department friends, all of them are mixing together and getting to know each other. Also, only about 25% of my list of people are available on any given night, so I invite 20 and get 5. When school gets out, maybe I'll get a few more at a time. But it seems to have worked out fine each week. (5) Whatever the result, I'm telling myself that whoever needs to be here will come. It's been three weeks, and there were 5 of us the first week, then 2 of us, then 4 of us. But I had so much fun each week with whoever was able to make it! I'm growing closer to these lovely ladies, and developing just the kind of friendships I've been craving. I'm doing life with friends, not just hunkering down and waiting for life to get easier. I can't tell you how many times in three weeks I have heard a friend say, "I thought I was the only one!" You are not the only one, Dear One. You just need to open your house, whatever that looks like, and invite others into your life, just as it is. Then together, we can see that we are not alone. You are not too busy for real friendship.