Finding Time to Exercise

I know you are wondering, “How can I tell my husband he can spend more time away from me and our family when he is gone so much as it is?” Allowing your husband the time and space to work out does take away from the precious little time you have with each other. But please think long-term on this one: someday the job will be done, retirement will arrive, and what kind of shape will he be in to enjoy it? And what about how he feels now? Even if you have to put the kids to bed by yourself while he goes for a run, even if he comes home later or leaves earlier for work so he can hit the gym, he will feel better about himself, and he will have more energy to spend on you when he is with you, instead of feeling overweight and cranky. So as far as you are able, encourage your husband to take time for himself in this, and do whatever you can to show him you support him while letting him know you love him just the way he is. If you don’t want him leaving you alone just to exercise, and if you don’t mind sweat droplets covering your TV screen and leaving spots on your carpet, you can work out together at home like my husband and I do. This way you can support his efforts at fitness, spend time with him, and be in better shape yourself. About six months ago, my husband ordered a DVD workout series that we do together in the living room. We planned a time, filled each other’s water bottles, moved the furniture back, and then exercised until we were dripping sweat and lying on the floor, gasping for breath like fish out of water. It was hard to stay motivated at first, and I know we would have quit if we had been trying to do it without each other, but through sickness, my broken toe, my husband’s trial, and other roadblocks, we stuck with it. Now, not only are we in better shape, but we look forward to the camaraderie of pushing though those workouts together. You don’t need to go this extreme; you can go for walks, ride bicycles, or go to the gym or the pool together. The camaraderie will develop if you are together, overcoming obstacles and working toward a common goal of being healthy for your life together.

Butterflies and fairy houses

Today I let go. I had plans to make a corn and black bean salad for tomorrow so it could marinate overnight in the fridge. I had plans to wash my sheets, that job being highly overdue. I had plans to take bags of stuff to Goodwill from my summer closet clean out. I definitely had plans to take my kids to see the July 3rd fireworks in our town. But it was so sunny when we woke up today, an I-can't-tell-you-how-rare occurrence this year in the Pacific Northwest, that the girls and I decided to go out in the yard in our pajamas and rain boots and do a little morning exploring. Under some dead leaves I decided to clean up we found a spotted grey slug and two tiny garter snakes (my insides still recoil at the thought). We filled seven mason jars of various sizes with flowers of all colors. We picked only red, white, and blue flowers and floated them in a great glass bowl for our table. We followed a monarch butterfly around the yard and gave up hope on taking her picture until I decided to cut some more hydrangeas for a jar and there she was, tiger striped with flecks of iridescent blue on her wings, right next to me on a vibrant blue blossom. We used some dead chestnut tree branches to make a fairy house like I used to do on the Oregon beach when I was little, except instead of shells we used leaves for rugs, and flower petals scattered for a roof and carpet, and a tiny stone-lined path, with a final giant stone upon which came to be written in Sharpie marker in six-year-old handwriting, "Welcome fairies." Then it began to pour on us, so we came in and had baths, put on fake tattoos from a birthday party favor bag, and I painted their nails however they wanted. This meant that Charlie had red and blue fingernails with silver glitter and red glitter toenails, but Abby, the four year old, had purple and pink fingernails with gold glitter, one foot of pink toenails, and one foot of purple toenails, each with gold glitter. At some point their sheets were washed, but not mine. Their dinner was made, but not my salad. We didn't make it to the fireworks, because our nails were drying and it was cold and wet outside. But they giggled about the fairy house all afternoon, and they oohed and aahed over each other's nails, and at some point each little daughter wrapped her not-so-small-anymore arms around my neck and kissed me, and told me she loved me. Wow. I am no supermom. I often can be heard saying, "not right now," "just a minute," and "I'll get that for you after I finish this." But today I was just there, in the moment and accommodating, giving out a cheerful "Sure" to their requests, and I will never forget it. And now one last to-do for today: I still have some glitter that has to appear inside that fairy house before morning, and I can't wait to see their faces when they see it.

In honor of Father's Day, a must-read article about parenting by Chief Joel F. Schults, Ed.D. Taken from policeone.com

Passion for the Job with Chief Joel F. Shults, Ed.D. Tips for dads: 10 lies about raising kids in an LE family Cops get to be inside more homes than the pizza delivery guy, so we see a lot of messed up families. Even though we know that good parents can have bad kids and bad parents can have good kids, we know that most of the screw-ups we send to prison have no dad in their life. The nightmare is when we imagine how messed up our own kids could be without us. I want to acknowledge that children with organic brain disorders, developmental disorders, and mental illness require lots of special care and expert help. But for most of us in a pop-psychology Oprah-driven world, how does a dad know what is best for his kids? We can start by refusing to believe some popular but bad advice. Here’s my Top 10. 1) Kids need quality time, not quantity — Your son or daughter doesn’t crave high-impact moments filled with wow. They need you. A lot. They need raw, non-Disneyland time. You don’t have to always be entertaining them or learning something or asking about their day or helping them with their homework. But quit your second job if you have to. Get your face out of Facebook. Be there. 2) Kids are resilient — Sure they are. They’ll survive the divorce while you go “find yourself.” But they’ll survive the fight for your family and marriage a lot more. I’m not judging here. If things are that messed up then do what you have to do — I haven’t lived 32 years of marriage without the “d” word cropping up — but don’t fake yourself out thinking the kids won’t be hurt. Reach out, get help, make it work if you can. 3) Be a pal — Kids have friends. They need a Dad. Dads are smarter, stronger, wiser, more disciplined, and will care about them longer than any friend. And Dads can be always become good friends later. That’s what making them good adults is for. 4) Kids need to be kids — Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely want kids to be kids, I just don’t want them to lose out on becoming healthy grownups. There are some tough lessons to learn about delayed gratification, putting others first, and dealing with disappointment. Don’t deny them life skills by protecting them too much. 5) Teenagers are crazy — American extended adolescence is anthropological fictional that has been way oversold. Don’t fall for it. Stop calling them teens and start calling them young adults, then treat them that way. Keep your expectations high. This is the prime time to determine how you will relate to your offspring for the rest of your life. They actually like you more than you think. 6) Kids need their privacy — Of course they need to be their own person. But I’ve had parents who think the Fourth Amendment applies to them. It’s OK for your kids to know that it’s your house with your rules. If they constantly cocoon in their rooms they can forget that they are a building block in the family. Let them feel needed and connected, and accountable, not like they have a free apartment. 7) Kids need to be involved — Extracurricular are great until it’s the family that becomes what they do in their spare time. Life lessons are poorly learned in the minivan between activities. Frazzled kids and tired parents cry out for balance. Just say no every once in a while. 8) Don’t force religion on a kid — I’m not selling any particular brand of faith here. Research shows that active involvement in a faith community is associated with lower delinquency and later onset of sexual activity. It seems if we make kids eat right for their body and do their schoolwork for their mind, that some strong direction for their heart and soul is a good thing. 9) Kids first — Studies show that today’s young people have lower levels of empathy than in previous generations. Whether child-centered parenting is creating these narcissists, or it is the result of loss of human contact because of our digital society, children need to learn that they aren’t the center of the world — even yours. Here’s another hint: put their mother first and them second! 10) Kids have it worse than ever — Whether it’s advertisers, psychologists, Hollywood, or even our benevolent government... everybody wants a piece of our kids’ minds and dollars. But this is America and growing up in the 21st century is awesome! Our opportunity to win our kids back and keep them is still in our control. Step up, Dad, you can do it! About the author Joel Shults currently serves as Chief of Police for Adams State College in Alamosa, Co. Over his 30 year career in uniformed law enforcement and in criminal justice education Joel has served in a variety of roles: academy instructor, police chaplain, deputy coroner, investigator, community relations officer, college professor, and police chief, among others. Shults earned his doctorate in Educational Leadership and Policy Analysis from the University of Missouri, with a graduate degree in Public Services Administration and bachelors in Criminal Justice Administration from the University of Central Missouri. In addition to service with the US Army military police and CID, Shults has done observational studies with over fifty police agencies across the country. He currently serves on a number of advisory and advocacy boards including the Colorado POST curriculum committee as a subject matter expert.

Ants on the Peonies

I was in my garden about a month and a half ago when I noticed that the peony buds were completely covered in some very industrious-looking ants. They seemed bent on destruction, and I do love peonies when they finally bloom- what an incredible flower! So much potential for beauty packed so tightly into an unassuming little bud. So I called up a green-thumbed friend and asked her what I should spray on the buds to get rid of the ants. "Oh, you don't want to do that," she replied. "If you get rid of the ants, your flowers will never bloom. They need the ants to help them open." An internet gardening site confirmed that the ants don't harm the buds, and actually eat the sticky, sugary syrup that the buds produce, which somehow helps produce large, healthy flowers. It struck me that this is not unlike our life right now. In the midst of a lawsuit against my husband, where lies have been spread about him in the paper and in the courtroom, when everyone in our community has an opinion, and when it often feels like we are being eaten alive emotionally, we are growing stronger. We have grown closer in our marriage, we spend more time together, he is more attentive to our children, our extended family is more tightly knit, and our true friends have rallied around us repeatedly to show their love and support. It is possible that we feel more loved now than we ever have before. It may look on the outside like we are being attacked and devoured; people often ask us, "Are you doing okay?" We are better than okay. The ants are doing their work; the superfluous is being eaten away, leaving only what is necessary and true. L.B. Cowman, in her timeless book Streams In The Desert, said, "You can see the rain, but can you also see the flowers? You are suffering through these tests, but know that God sees sweet flowers of faith springing up in your life beneath these very trials. You try to escape the pain, yet God sees tender compassion for other sufferers finding birth in your soul. Your heart winces at the pain of heavy grief, but God sees the sorrow deepening and enriching your life." Two years after the lawsuit began, after a three week trial and three days of jury deliberations, finally, the jury's decision came: my husband had done nothing wrong. He was fully exonerated, his name restored. I cheered with him on the phone, and when I hung up, I walked outside into the garden to take a deep breath. What I am about to tell you still makes tears come to my eyes: the peonies were all in bloom.

Andrew Peterson - Dancing in the Minefields (Official Video)

Chapter 3: Building Him Up- an exerpt from my book in progress

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” Genesis 2:18 “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” Proverbs 12:25 When I began to realize that I was falling in love with the teenage boy who would one day become my husband, I asked my mother, “How do you know if you really love someone?” I was sixteen and, of course, fully convinced that I knew what love was, but I recognized her wisdom even then, and have never forgotten her words. They have shaped my decision-making, my behavior, and my life ever since. She told me, “If something happened to him and he was stuck in a wheelchair, or never able to hold you or tell you he loved you, or able to do anything for you ever again, would you want to stay with him? If you had to do everything for him, and could never expect anything in return, would you still spend your life taking care of him? That is love.” Not only was my mother’s answer very telling of the generosity with which she has always loved others, but isn’t that just how God loves us? Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” While we were unable to do anything for God, handicapped by our sin and mute to express our gratitude, God sent his precious Son to die for us in the unrelenting hope that we will one day love him back. This seems like an impossible ideal of love for us to aim for in our marriages, but what would it look like if we tried? Either you have been through a situation like the one I am about to describe, or you will go through it at some point in your marriage to a law enforcement officer, but it is inevitable. You will come to a point in your marriage where you will realize that you are giving and giving and giving love to your spouse, but for any number of reasons-- depression, physical exhaustion, emotional distress, a difficult work schedule--your spouse seems unwilling or unable to reciprocate. Now what? How can you go on encouraging, helping, building your husband up day after day out of your own dwindling resources of strength? And what about your needs? First, go to the source of strength yourself. Like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first in the event of an airplane emergency, you must pull your strength from God before you try to minister to your husband. Allow your Heavenly Father to fill you out of His Word, and out of that deep well you can now draw everything you need to help sustain your husband and your family. “My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken,” Psalm 62:1-2. If you look to God for that strength that you need, instead of calling your friends or your mom, or putting more fun things on the credit card, you will find rest for your soul, and the unshakeable peace and strength you need to get through even the worst of times. Spend time each day reading your Bible, memorizing passages that encourage you and speak of God’s strength and faithfulness. You cannot expect to pour out what you have not first been filled with. Secondly, do your best, with much prayer, to understand where your husband is coming from and ask God to show you how to encourage him. God sustained my marriage through a very painful time when my husband was relieved from duty, forced to wait six months without pay for a trial in which he was wrongfully accused, after which he resigned from his job. He was sent home from work the day before Thanksgiving, our first holiday season with our firstborn daughter, who was nine months old at the time. Not only could my husband no longer financially provide for his family, but he had been entirely stripped of his confidence, his dignity, and his identity. I saw that a man who cannot provide for his family does not feel like much of a man at all; in fact, he even encouraged me to leave him. Intense feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness became a daily occurrence. My husband had absolutely nothing to give me during that time. And trust me, yelling, “Babe, if you would just read your Bible, you wouldn’t feel so terrible!” would never be received in the kind and helpful way I meant it. So what can you do when your husband is worn down by work, by situations outside of his control, or just by life in general? 1) Tell him you love him each day, as often as you can, in as many ways as you can. 2) Tell him you appreciate him, and don’t make it about what he contributes, but about who he is. 3) Pick up the slack with a smile on your face. If Jesus could choose to die for me while I was still covered in the mess of my sin, I can care for the needs of my household with a cheerful heart. Even if that means taking out the trash myself again. 4) Memorize Scripture passages and pray them over him. For example, as I write this, my husband is being sued in federal court for reasons I will explain later. I am memorizing Psalm 62, and so each day I pray, “God, today let Jeff find rest for his soul in You alone. Let him see that You are his Rock, his salvation, his fortress. Let him never be shaken because he trusts in you.” My four-year-old prayed that with me, and it was so precious to hear her say, “God, you are Daddy’s Rock and his fortress. Daddy will not be shaken.” I could just see God smiling as he honored that request so confidently asked. 5) Choose verses that you believe will bring encouragement to your husband, and put them where he will see them. Some of my favorite places are the bathroom mirror (by the time his trial is over we’ll barely be able to see ourselves), on the nightstand, or under his keys on the kitchen counter. Every once in a while, include a risqué one from Song of Songs. You may even get him to smile again!

A working girl once again...

After making the call to keep our two little girls in the private school we love, my husband and I took a good look at our budget and the medical history of my spine and decided that I probably should begin looking for a job that did not involve scrubbing other people's floors and bathrooms. Right about that same time, my sister-in-law called and told me to contact her chiropractor, since he was in need of a part-time receptionist. What could be more perfect, I wondered? I hang up my mop and bucket, go to work for a chiropractor and get free treatments, and make money to keep my kids in school. But then, after I interviewed for ten minutes, was offered the job, accepted the job, and was driving home looking at sheep grazing in a field did I remember, wait a minute! I have not ever held a full-day job with two children at home! I have childcare arranged, but who will make me dinner? So here is what I have learned since last week, in case any of you are thinking about going back to work:

1) My husband can put food in the oven. I never gave him a chance to take care of me in this way before.
2) I have an awesome support structure of family and friends who will wake up early to watch my girls since my husband works nights and sleeps days. You need this!
3) In regards to #1, I am learning about foods that can be made way ahead of time and then frozen. Someone should write a cookbook with lots of recipes like this in it...oh wait, that idea seems to be taken. And, also, is now overwhelming to research due to the high volume of material available. How about spaghetti instead?
4) Painting 40 tiny nails and pretending to eat plastic food--oh, excuse me, crab truffle souffle salad--is much more fun and exciting when I haven't seen my children in ten hours. They, in turn, seem to enjoy my enthusiasm, and reward me with extra kisses. Today, they even read me three stories at bedtime.
5) My husband seems to know much more about what our kids are doing, since he is their go-to parent for several hours of the day. They are learning that Daddy can tie ballet shoes, dress Bride Barbie, and eat crab truffle souffle salad too, and it's been good for everyone.
6)I get lovely cards and artwork when I get home. I also get squeals of delight, and people cheering my name. This is all usually reserved for Daddy! It's like I'm famous, only without all the money, material possessions, and destructive patterns of behavior.
7)I feel more cheerful about dishes, laundry, and other menial household tasks. I don't know why.
8) I feel more like being productive on the other days of the week, so that the house will be cleaned, dishes done, and laundry washed and put away when I go back to work.
9) I started working out again with the energy I save by sitting in a desk chair twenty hours a week.
10) I am even more appreciative of my sweet and wonderful husband, who is taking on more work at home so I can work outside of it. He is giving up time with me so I can help our family, and he cares about my needs and my feelings. What more could a working girl ask for? Maybe a nutrition bar that doesn't taste like it was made with sand...