Allowing Him to Decompress

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-4 “Better to live on the corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” Proverbs 21:9 I have been back at work for about eight months now as I write this, and have learned well the ups and downs of being a working mom. If you are a mom who works outside the home, you will understand when I say that it is a good day indeed when everyone gets out the door on time with breakfast in their tummies and no one has been driven to screaming, Mom included. I have forgotten to send lunch (oh, I packed it, but it never made it out of the fridge), or homework (still sitting on the kitchen table), or the picture day form (that’s why there is a make-up picture day, right?), but somehow, we press on. Some days I do my makeup in the car, and some days my breakfast is a handful of Wheat Thins. But when I come home, everyone runs to the door, and small voices squeal my name: “Mama! It’s Mama!” My little girls leap onto me like monkeys onto a tree, and I drag them into the kitchen so I can throw my things down and hug them properly. I give my sweetheart a hug and a kiss, because he is on day shift right now and is there to pick the kids up from school and make dinner, and I gratefully sit for a minute, eating and listening to everyone tell about their day. Then my real job begins: help with homework, clean up dinner, do some laundry, pack lunches, give baths and read stories, brush teeth and tuck sleepy little girls into bed, sing a song, make time to snuggle with my honey and have a bowl of popcorn or a cup of tea, and finally drag my own sleepy body off to bed so I can start over again tomorrow. I’m grateful that I have a desk job, since my sitting at home is limited to the time it takes to consume one bowl of popcorn. If you are a woman who does not work outside of your home, you are no less busy, I know. We never stop, do we? There is always something to be done, since we never leave our workplace. Our husbands are different, you may have noticed. They need to leave work at work, for sanity reasons. They need a separation between who they have to be as enforcers of the law and who they need to be as husbands and fathers. It is crucial that we give our husbands the time, space, and permission to unwind and decompress after work so they can be re-energized to to spend time with us and our families. They need to feel that they have our blessing to spend time away from us with their friends as well. Just as it is wise to let some of the steam out of a pot before you remove the lid completely, your man needs to blow off some steam before he can deal with his family, or someone may get burned. This does not mean you must tiptoe around your husband as though he is a bomb about to go off, but it does mean you need to be considerate. I recently read an article linking (not shockingly) divorce rates with early marriage behaviors and habits. The article showed that couples who were attentive to each other’s needs (even small needs, like offering a glass of water) were still together years later, whereas the couples who did not take the time to meet those small needs were divorced after just a few years. It stands to reason: If you cannot trust your spouse to meet your ordinary, everyday needs with compassion and attentiveness, why would you trust them with anything bigger or more important? Think about what your man would like to come home to, and then try to make your home a sanctuary for him, a safe place to rest and be restored.

A Fighter With Nothing To Fight

I am in a time of waiting, not a calm-before-the-storm waiting, but a used-to-living-under-stress-and-now-stress-is-gone waiting. It's a feeling of wondering why I can't think of anything to say when someone asks what is new with me. We aren't moving, my job isn't new anymore, and my kids are in their summer routine. My husband's job, the only soap opera I watch, is, for the moment, without drama. At least, nothing new. After surviving the last five or six years of trials, moving, new jobs, new babies, more possible job loss, more moving, health problems, financial struggles, making it by the skin of our teeth, I'm wondering, what is next? What new crisis will we overcome? Where will we have to go? From which direction will the next tidal wave of change come? And then, what if it doesn't? What will I do in case things stay normal, sane? What will we learn from sitting still here? How will I survive without crisis, a fighter with nothing to fight? In the middle of this feeling, I did my homework for our couple's Bible study on the book of Daniel. The memory verse for the week was Daniel 2:21- "He [God] changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning." I feel like the seasons of my life have been defined by crisis, by cycles of being attacked and overcoming; I spend my periods of calm preparing my armor for the next battle. I know this is not the kind of rest God intends for me. Even if I am choosing restlessness, He has peace waiting for me. Daniel was faced with a king who wanted to literally cut him into pieces for someone else's mistake; he was able to look at what he knew of God, take a deep breath, and say that the times of his life were in God's hands. I am challenging myself to say that now. In my impatience, my restlessness, my cautious and battle-weary waiting, I am going to trust that whatever is next, crisis or even peace, my seasons and times are just what I need. When I have grown used to the struggle, God wants to teach me to really rest in the season he's giving me now, a season of restoration. I don't want to miss what is beautiful about my life right now because I'm still waiting for the next trial. "In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15

Finding Time to Exercise

I know you are wondering, “How can I tell my husband he can spend more time away from me and our family when he is gone so much as it is?” Allowing your husband the time and space to work out does take away from the precious little time you have with each other. But please think long-term on this one: someday the job will be done, retirement will arrive, and what kind of shape will he be in to enjoy it? And what about how he feels now? Even if you have to put the kids to bed by yourself while he goes for a run, even if he comes home later or leaves earlier for work so he can hit the gym, he will feel better about himself, and he will have more energy to spend on you when he is with you, instead of feeling overweight and cranky. So as far as you are able, encourage your husband to take time for himself in this, and do whatever you can to show him you support him while letting him know you love him just the way he is. If you don’t want him leaving you alone just to exercise, and if you don’t mind sweat droplets covering your TV screen and leaving spots on your carpet, you can work out together at home like my husband and I do. This way you can support his efforts at fitness, spend time with him, and be in better shape yourself. About six months ago, my husband ordered a DVD workout series that we do together in the living room. We planned a time, filled each other’s water bottles, moved the furniture back, and then exercised until we were dripping sweat and lying on the floor, gasping for breath like fish out of water. It was hard to stay motivated at first, and I know we would have quit if we had been trying to do it without each other, but through sickness, my broken toe, my husband’s trial, and other roadblocks, we stuck with it. Now, not only are we in better shape, but we look forward to the camaraderie of pushing though those workouts together. You don’t need to go this extreme; you can go for walks, ride bicycles, or go to the gym or the pool together. The camaraderie will develop if you are together, overcoming obstacles and working toward a common goal of being healthy for your life together.

Butterflies and fairy houses

Today I let go. I had plans to make a corn and black bean salad for tomorrow so it could marinate overnight in the fridge. I had plans to wash my sheets, that job being highly overdue. I had plans to take bags of stuff to Goodwill from my summer closet clean out. I definitely had plans to take my kids to see the July 3rd fireworks in our town. But it was so sunny when we woke up today, an I-can't-tell-you-how-rare occurrence this year in the Pacific Northwest, that the girls and I decided to go out in the yard in our pajamas and rain boots and do a little morning exploring. Under some dead leaves I decided to clean up we found a spotted grey slug and two tiny garter snakes (my insides still recoil at the thought). We filled seven mason jars of various sizes with flowers of all colors. We picked only red, white, and blue flowers and floated them in a great glass bowl for our table. We followed a monarch butterfly around the yard and gave up hope on taking her picture until I decided to cut some more hydrangeas for a jar and there she was, tiger striped with flecks of iridescent blue on her wings, right next to me on a vibrant blue blossom. We used some dead chestnut tree branches to make a fairy house like I used to do on the Oregon beach when I was little, except instead of shells we used leaves for rugs, and flower petals scattered for a roof and carpet, and a tiny stone-lined path, with a final giant stone upon which came to be written in Sharpie marker in six-year-old handwriting, "Welcome fairies." Then it began to pour on us, so we came in and had baths, put on fake tattoos from a birthday party favor bag, and I painted their nails however they wanted. This meant that Charlie had red and blue fingernails with silver glitter and red glitter toenails, but Abby, the four year old, had purple and pink fingernails with gold glitter, one foot of pink toenails, and one foot of purple toenails, each with gold glitter. At some point their sheets were washed, but not mine. Their dinner was made, but not my salad. We didn't make it to the fireworks, because our nails were drying and it was cold and wet outside. But they giggled about the fairy house all afternoon, and they oohed and aahed over each other's nails, and at some point each little daughter wrapped her not-so-small-anymore arms around my neck and kissed me, and told me she loved me. Wow. I am no supermom. I often can be heard saying, "not right now," "just a minute," and "I'll get that for you after I finish this." But today I was just there, in the moment and accommodating, giving out a cheerful "Sure" to their requests, and I will never forget it. And now one last to-do for today: I still have some glitter that has to appear inside that fairy house before morning, and I can't wait to see their faces when they see it.

In honor of Father's Day, a must-read article about parenting by Chief Joel F. Schults, Ed.D. Taken from policeone.com

Passion for the Job with Chief Joel F. Shults, Ed.D. Tips for dads: 10 lies about raising kids in an LE family Cops get to be inside more homes than the pizza delivery guy, so we see a lot of messed up families. Even though we know that good parents can have bad kids and bad parents can have good kids, we know that most of the screw-ups we send to prison have no dad in their life. The nightmare is when we imagine how messed up our own kids could be without us. I want to acknowledge that children with organic brain disorders, developmental disorders, and mental illness require lots of special care and expert help. But for most of us in a pop-psychology Oprah-driven world, how does a dad know what is best for his kids? We can start by refusing to believe some popular but bad advice. Here’s my Top 10. 1) Kids need quality time, not quantity — Your son or daughter doesn’t crave high-impact moments filled with wow. They need you. A lot. They need raw, non-Disneyland time. You don’t have to always be entertaining them or learning something or asking about their day or helping them with their homework. But quit your second job if you have to. Get your face out of Facebook. Be there. 2) Kids are resilient — Sure they are. They’ll survive the divorce while you go “find yourself.” But they’ll survive the fight for your family and marriage a lot more. I’m not judging here. If things are that messed up then do what you have to do — I haven’t lived 32 years of marriage without the “d” word cropping up — but don’t fake yourself out thinking the kids won’t be hurt. Reach out, get help, make it work if you can. 3) Be a pal — Kids have friends. They need a Dad. Dads are smarter, stronger, wiser, more disciplined, and will care about them longer than any friend. And Dads can be always become good friends later. That’s what making them good adults is for. 4) Kids need to be kids — Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely want kids to be kids, I just don’t want them to lose out on becoming healthy grownups. There are some tough lessons to learn about delayed gratification, putting others first, and dealing with disappointment. Don’t deny them life skills by protecting them too much. 5) Teenagers are crazy — American extended adolescence is anthropological fictional that has been way oversold. Don’t fall for it. Stop calling them teens and start calling them young adults, then treat them that way. Keep your expectations high. This is the prime time to determine how you will relate to your offspring for the rest of your life. They actually like you more than you think. 6) Kids need their privacy — Of course they need to be their own person. But I’ve had parents who think the Fourth Amendment applies to them. It’s OK for your kids to know that it’s your house with your rules. If they constantly cocoon in their rooms they can forget that they are a building block in the family. Let them feel needed and connected, and accountable, not like they have a free apartment. 7) Kids need to be involved — Extracurricular are great until it’s the family that becomes what they do in their spare time. Life lessons are poorly learned in the minivan between activities. Frazzled kids and tired parents cry out for balance. Just say no every once in a while. 8) Don’t force religion on a kid — I’m not selling any particular brand of faith here. Research shows that active involvement in a faith community is associated with lower delinquency and later onset of sexual activity. It seems if we make kids eat right for their body and do their schoolwork for their mind, that some strong direction for their heart and soul is a good thing. 9) Kids first — Studies show that today’s young people have lower levels of empathy than in previous generations. Whether child-centered parenting is creating these narcissists, or it is the result of loss of human contact because of our digital society, children need to learn that they aren’t the center of the world — even yours. Here’s another hint: put their mother first and them second! 10) Kids have it worse than ever — Whether it’s advertisers, psychologists, Hollywood, or even our benevolent government... everybody wants a piece of our kids’ minds and dollars. But this is America and growing up in the 21st century is awesome! Our opportunity to win our kids back and keep them is still in our control. Step up, Dad, you can do it! About the author Joel Shults currently serves as Chief of Police for Adams State College in Alamosa, Co. Over his 30 year career in uniformed law enforcement and in criminal justice education Joel has served in a variety of roles: academy instructor, police chaplain, deputy coroner, investigator, community relations officer, college professor, and police chief, among others. Shults earned his doctorate in Educational Leadership and Policy Analysis from the University of Missouri, with a graduate degree in Public Services Administration and bachelors in Criminal Justice Administration from the University of Central Missouri. In addition to service with the US Army military police and CID, Shults has done observational studies with over fifty police agencies across the country. He currently serves on a number of advisory and advocacy boards including the Colorado POST curriculum committee as a subject matter expert.

Ants on the Peonies

I was in my garden about a month and a half ago when I noticed that the peony buds were completely covered in some very industrious-looking ants. They seemed bent on destruction, and I do love peonies when they finally bloom- what an incredible flower! So much potential for beauty packed so tightly into an unassuming little bud. So I called up a green-thumbed friend and asked her what I should spray on the buds to get rid of the ants. "Oh, you don't want to do that," she replied. "If you get rid of the ants, your flowers will never bloom. They need the ants to help them open." An internet gardening site confirmed that the ants don't harm the buds, and actually eat the sticky, sugary syrup that the buds produce, which somehow helps produce large, healthy flowers. It struck me that this is not unlike our life right now. In the midst of a lawsuit against my husband, where lies have been spread about him in the paper and in the courtroom, when everyone in our community has an opinion, and when it often feels like we are being eaten alive emotionally, we are growing stronger. We have grown closer in our marriage, we spend more time together, he is more attentive to our children, our extended family is more tightly knit, and our true friends have rallied around us repeatedly to show their love and support. It is possible that we feel more loved now than we ever have before. It may look on the outside like we are being attacked and devoured; people often ask us, "Are you doing okay?" We are better than okay. The ants are doing their work; the superfluous is being eaten away, leaving only what is necessary and true. L.B. Cowman, in her timeless book Streams In The Desert, said, "You can see the rain, but can you also see the flowers? You are suffering through these tests, but know that God sees sweet flowers of faith springing up in your life beneath these very trials. You try to escape the pain, yet God sees tender compassion for other sufferers finding birth in your soul. Your heart winces at the pain of heavy grief, but God sees the sorrow deepening and enriching your life." Two years after the lawsuit began, after a three week trial and three days of jury deliberations, finally, the jury's decision came: my husband had done nothing wrong. He was fully exonerated, his name restored. I cheered with him on the phone, and when I hung up, I walked outside into the garden to take a deep breath. What I am about to tell you still makes tears come to my eyes: the peonies were all in bloom.

Andrew Peterson - Dancing in the Minefields (Official Video)