When Facing the Future

This month marks four years since my grandpa left this world to be with Jesus. He was an incredible man of faith, and as I sat in church this morning singing the words to a song he never knew but fully lived out, I felt the powerful emotions of missing him tug my heart up into my throat. I hate crying in in front of other people, but the older I get, the more it just happens. I thought, "I hate this choking feeling, and I don't want to cry right now, or miss my grandpa this much, but I know what happens to me next." That's when I felt God's loving but firm presence in my heart say, "I am Next." And then it hit me, like God speaking out of the burning bush to Moses, that He is always what is next. What about what will happen next in my husband's job? God says "I am next." What if I can't afford for my kids to continue at their amazing private school, even though we have worked so hard to keep them there? God says "I am next." All the questions I have about my family's future, what my kids will do when they grow up, if my husband will be safe as he does his job, each has the same answer from my Heavenly Father: "I am Next. Don't worry about tomorrow. I am always what is next for you. All you have to do is trust me." In my study Bible I have underlined the passage that my Grandma continually quoted during my Grandpa's last week on this earth, 2 Corinthians 5:1-7. As the doctors helped her make arrangements for Grandpa's body, she would say, "It's his earthly tent. I know he won't be in it anymore; he won't need it. You do what you need to do. He's going home to Jesus." She knew that what was next for Grandpa was to be home with Jesus, not to be confined to an expired body. I have a glorious future in Christ, better than what I could plan out, organize, and prepare for myself. Something beautiful and exciting is always what is next for me, as his dearly loved daughter. "For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up in life. Now it is God who made us for this very purpose and has given his Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight" -2 Corinthians 5:4-7.

Having a Big Picture View

I was over at a friend's new house, putting together a crib for her daughter to sleep in that night, and realizing the need for The Big Picture. When a metaphor for my life comes to me, it often smacks me in the face like the falling side of a crib which I failed to fully screw together. There I was, with pretty good directions in at least three languages, and I still managed somehow to screw not just one piece together wrong, but two different sections on both sides of the crib. All my work of an hour, all wrong, because in reading only the step by step directions, I did not turn back to the first page, the big picture of the fully assembled crib. If I had, I would have seen that the sides curved outward, not inward, and had several holes for the mattress base to screw into, holes which were nowhere to be seen on my incorrectly assembled sides. I fought the impulse to scream some non-PG words, took a few deep breaths, and picked up the screwdriver to start over. Then a crib rail fell onto my foot. Then I really started over, but I made sure to check the picture repeatedly, and the crib finally was ready for Baby Bailey to sleep in that night in her new house. But I do this all the time in my life, proceeding with a bit of a plan of how to correct my kids' behavior, or bad attitudes, and what I'm really providing is just a behavioral band-aid. "Say you are sorry." Five minutes later, "say you are sorry" again. "This time, you have to clean the toys up yourself and say you are sorry." "Now you get to just go to bed." And what did anybody learn? That if we aren't nice, we repeat the same apology until mom gets really mad and sends us to bed? Where is the big picture for this? I'm following the steps but it's just getting messier! The big picture is God, and his plan for my family is love, and joy, and peace, and patience, and all the other fruit that somehow seems to be hanging on the tree just out of our reach. How do we arrive at a loving, peaceful family without all the screws coming loose, the side rails coming off, and painful bruises from where we collide with each other? 1. Read what the Bible has to say about families, and children, and discipline. Do a search of the word "child" or "children" in Proverbs and read everything that comes up! 2. The big picture is a family that loves each other and that loves others like Jesus loves. All training should have this in mind, then, like finding ways to serve others when selfishness is the problem, or like finding ways to encourage when hurtful words are the problem. 3. Pray as a family, to ask God to help you be more loving and kind. It's a new year, a great time for new habits. If you don't pray together at meals or bedtime, you can start now to do that. "What are you thankful for today?" is a great question to start off a family prayer time. 4. Be consistent about discipline and just as consistent about praise. Be loving with your family, and they will be more loving with each other. My kids mirror what I do and say. It begins with me. 5. Keep moving forward. We are going to make mistakes. If we have a terrible day, tomorrow is a new day to try again with God's help. God's mercies are new every morning, and his grace is enough for each day. The big picture is a loving family who treats each other with kindness, and we can accomplish it!

Finding Real Friends

Let's face it, we need each other right now. It feeds my soul to sit down with a good friend and a cup of coffee, and just share life. My worries over where our world is headed, my questions about how to deal with the newest stage of my children's lives, or what color I should paint my kitchen, from big to small, monumental to incidental, I need a friend to share them with. My husband can't be my only friend, even though he is my best one! Also, he does not care about kitchen colors! My friendships ebb and flow with the seasons of my life; some friends are there to stay through it all, and some are just for a season. Right now I seem to be making new friends every time I turn around, which is really fun! But is there more to it than that? How can you create an intentional group of women who can do more than just chat about kitchen colors, a group that can share the really deep things and connect on a heart level? I like to begin by thinking through my friends and asking, who can I trust? Who doesn't share the secrets of others with me? (Which implies that they would not share my secrets with others!) Who has a desire to connect? Some people are fun to talk to, but don't really want to share anything deeper. That's okay, and maybe you should include them anyway and give them a chance to open up. And who makes me want to be a better person, who I believe will not push our time into gossiping or husband-bashing? Who do I see around me who might need this group even more than I do? Who needs to be drawn in? Next, what can you do together that will facilitate sharing and deeper conversation? I am a hands-on person, and enjoy trading parenting tips, marriage stories, and life wisdom over a pottery-painting session, mosaic-making evening, beading class, or sewing time. One evening, our church gathered women together and provided us with fleece blanket kits to make together for foster children. We cut the fringe and tied all those tiny knots, talking and making friends in small groups as we worked on our blankets, and thinking about the precious children who would receive them. A friend I connected with during that evening became my my biggest cheerleader and mentor on my book-writing adventure. Another time, I gathered a group of police wives from our department at a local bead store and we created blue beaded bracelets we could wear in honor of our husbands, with charms on them that had words like "courage," "integrity," and "strength." We shared a lot of police wife stories, advice, and encouragement over that table, and we all left feeling like our burdens were a bit lighter now that we had shared them with women who understood. You may not enjoy doing crafts, and just want to get friends together over a yummy informal dinner of delicious appetizer foods that everyone brings, or have after-dinner snacks around a backyard fire pit, or go for a long walk in a group, or sit around the playroom or playground once a week while the little ones play in the middle. No matter what you do, make it intentional that there will be no badmouthing allowed, and let the good talks roll. Who can you draw into your circle of friends today? What kinds of things will your group do together? How often will you meet? All that is up to you. But begin today, and soon you will see around you a group of women you can count on, share life with, and be thankful for. Real friends. Isn't that what we all need right now?

How Do I Get Through Today?

I don't watch the news, so it always starts with a phone call from my husband. "Did you hear what happened in Baton Rouge?" My heart drops into my stomach. "No." "Three more were killed." And then I ask if he's okay, and tell him I'm sorry, and we say we love each other and hang up. And now, with the whole day still ahead of me until he comes home and I can see his face, hold him, and be certain I am not a widow today, I have to figure out how to be okay. If you are a police wife, these are times we need each other in our law enforcement family. Everyone else we know feels sad, and feels that the world is falling apart, but that doesn't quite touch how we feel. A man just like our husband went to work to do what our husband does, wearing the uniform our husband wears, and was killed for it. Now a woman just like us with kids just like ours will wait for her husband to come home so she can hold him and know that she is not a widow today, except he won't come. Other officers will come to her door, deliver the horrible news, and she will have to tell her children that their father will not ever come home again, that the evil today was more than he could fight off, and that they will not see him again on this side of heaven. My heart comes unraveled for her, for those children,and for the days ahead of them. I think of her while I do the dishes, and wonder if she will be able to find peace and comfort. I pray for her like I know her, and I plead that she and her children will be provided for, that there will be strength and comfort for them today. The loss is personal, the tears flow, and my heart aches. So how can I get through today? After talking with a few police wife friends, this is what we have to offer you, in case you are crying over your kitchen sink like we are. 1. Grieve. Cry. This is our family, our brothers and sisters, not just a news story. We don't have to be fine. This is our loss too, and it hurts. 2. Unplug. Get the details of the story that you need, and then stop reading about it or watching it unfold. It just makes my blood pressure skyrocket to hear the comments of people who don't understand, or who want us to feel sorry for murderers. Turn it off. 3. Connect with friends who understand. Now is not the time to listen to the advice of people who don't get it. I can tell my best friend, who happens to be a police wife, that I am sad, and she doesn't tell me that at least it hasn't happened near us yet. We both know geography is no safety net. We can be angry about it to each other without needing to post all our thoughts on Facebook. We can cry together, hug each other, and be a comfort. 4. Pray. Nothing is going to fix this mess but God, since he is the only one who has the power to change hearts. Pray that the people who hate the police would have a change of heart, that God would convict their hearts of sin, that he would protect the officers who are doing all they can to protect us all, and that he would comfort the widows, the children, and the families of the fallen officers. Pray that God would keep your heart at peace, that he would free you from the anxiety that threatens to strangle you sometimes, and that you would be able to show his love and compassion to the people around you. Our pastor said on Sunday that it is our response to deep hurts that will influence the hearts of others. 5. Save your wisdom for people who will hear it. There are a lot of foolish people out there spouting off a lot of nonsense about why this is happening. Idiots are going to keep on being idiots even in the face of reason. Don't bother trying to enlighten people like that. Some people actually want to understand things like evidence, facts, and statistics, and those are the ones you can talk to. Leave the rest alone. 6. Have hope. There will be justice, but this world is broken and fallen, and sometimes justice will not be served until Act II. God is not slow, forgetful, or political. His justice will be swift and complete when his time is right. We have to rest in that knowledge when it seems that wicked people are having their way in the world. The story is not over, but when it is, you can be sure that everyone will reap what they have sowed, and there will be justice.

10 Things I Learned About Perseverance From a Very Young Unicycler

I'm biting my nails and I may not have any eyebrows left soon, since I keep pulling on them. My eight-year-old has just three more weeks to make the unicycle club in time for the school circus. Just three short weeks to pedal her way all around the perimeter of the gym, and if she cannot, well, I'm not going there right now because my mama bear heart cannot fathom the depths of pain and disappointment that will result. For now, I'm focusing on persevering, because she is our Mighty Mouse, small but brave, bright, adventurous, and hilarious. Everything she does is to the utmost degree, every day to her is the best day ever, and she has attacked unicycling with the single-minded determination of Patton in Europe. But she keeps falling. And falling. And falling. I have seen her fall hundreds of times, in so many hard crashes that I think she'll need new kneecaps before she reaches 5th grade. But what I have learned about persevering from watching her has challenged my heart and made me wish I could be like her. 1. When you fall, get up as fast as you can. That way you have more time to work on getting better before time runs out. 2. Keep your tears for in the car. Don't waste time crying during practice. 3. Some people will start after you and finish first. That hurts, but it doesn't mean you aren't any good. 4. You will be covered in bruises. That is part of learning. 5. Sometimes you can go all the way across the gym, but no one sees. Somehow, they all see when you fall right away. Keep going. 6. Every day, you get a little better, but only if you show up for practice. 7. Pedal just a little further than you think you can, and your balance may fix itself. 8. When you look at what other people are doing that is better than you, you fall. Focus on your own work. 9. Don't pay attention to people who tell you to give up, or who say unkind things. Show them they are wrong when you succeed. 10. Say "I can. I can. I can." That little engine knew what he was talking about. Go get it, Girl. And when you do, come and give your Mama a big hug. I'm rooting for you!

How to Shine

My husband laughs at me whenever I tell him what I think about while I weed the garden, do the laundry, or in the most recent case, clean the toilets. He says, "Who thinks about that while they clean the bathroom?" I say, "I do. So there must be other people. I'm not that original." Here was my thought while on my knees in the bathroom, wiping down the sides and underbelly of the childrens' toilet, holding my breath and trying to work quickly. Why is it that the grossest, most humbling jobs of taking care of our household seem to require that we be on our knees? It is a posture that forces a humble attitude. Some people do not stoop to clean toilets. They pay someone to do it. I know, because I cleaned houses for a time, a very humbling experience. So now, in cleaning my own family's bathrooms, when I find myself on my knees, my thoughts wander from what I am doing to the humble posture. I have heard others talk about the holy calling of motherhood, and what a sacred work we do in raising a generation to follow Jesus. They don't generally talk about toilets. But I'm going to, for just a minute longer. On my knees, whether cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing food off of the floor below the high chair, cleaning spilled soda off of the living room rug, or wiping up the wood floor after my naked toddler decided to mark his territory before the bath, I have a chance to be grumbling or thankful. There is a lot of dirty work mixed into this sacred calling, and we are the ones holding the sponge. We can complain about the spills, the stains, the mess, or we can thank God for this family we've been entrusted with. We can take the opportunity, while already on our knees, to ask God for help in displaying his great love and care to our family. We can, as my mom said of my grandpa, who served for years as a Christian camp manager, choose not to distinguish between the secular and the sacred, and do all our work to the glory of God. Dishes, laundry, dinners, and bathing little ones are all sacred work when we allow God's love to shine through us as we serve our families. Philippians 2:14-16 says, "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life." Colossians 3:23-24 says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

Tech Time Cards for Responsible Kids

Are you looking for a way to manage your kids' technology use at home? We are always looking for ways to teach our kids to manage themselves, and after lots of conversations with other parents, and reaching a point of frustration with our own kids and the whining for more game time, we settled on a system that is working well for us. Maybe it can work for you, too! 1. Determine expectations. In our home, any homework and chores had to be done first before technology could be used. We wanted our kids to play with their toys, dress-up, and with each other more than we wanted them using the computer and XBOX. We wanted our kids to be able to manage their own time on the devices and not depend on us to tell them when to start and stop. 2. Decide on how much time is acceptable in your family. As expectations vary by family, so will time. We have a ten-year-old daughter and a seven-year-old daughter who both love to dress up and pretend- farm, cafe, diner, vet's office, etc. They love to play with their little plastic Disney figurines in elaborately plotted, hour-long plays with as complex a story line as any Hollywood movie. They love to scooter in the driveway, ride bikes, jump rope, and draw with sidewalk chalk. They love to do crafts. These things are important to them, but the XBOX Kinect is fun and alluring, and when the system recently moved into their playroom after my husband upgraded to a new system, it was an ever-present challenge to their normal creative play. For us, three 15 minute XBOX sessions, two 20 minute computer sessions, and an extra 15 minutes of XBOX play to be used when a friend is over during the week seemed like plenty of time (Times given are per child). If your family needs more time, give them more time. Or less. It's your family. You know them best. 3. Decide when time can be used. We have ballet and piano, friends over, and church activities during the week, not to mention homework and reading time, so we chose not to allow the XBOX to be used during the week, unless it was the friend pass. The kids love Brain Pop, PBSkids.org, and other educational sites for their computer time, so they are able to redeem those minutes during the week. The cards are given out on Monday, and any used cards are placed in a special spot in the kitchen. My kids will bring the cards to me and let me know they are using their time, and all I have to do is say okay. They fire up the XBOX or the computer and set the timer. When Monday rolls around again, I return all used cards back to them to use again. 4. Revisit the system occasionally to see how it is working, or if it requires any adjustments. I asked my older daughter what she thought of it, since it seemed to be running smoothly for the first two weeks we used it. She said that she really liked it, because she got to choose when she could play, instead of checking with me. If she wanted to play 45 minutes of XBOX on Saturday, that was her choice, but if she wanted to spread out her time, she could do that, too. She felt that she was more in control of her time and her choices. Several weeks into it, however, she was supposed to be using a friend pass with her cousins, and she used up all of their time "showing them how to play." I let the cousins continue to play but I confiscated one of her passes from the next week. She agreed that the consequence was fair and moved on (Yay!). My younger daughter likes the system because she knows she gets just as much time on the game as her older sister, and fairness is so important to little sisters! I love seeing my kids gain life skills, and this taught them a few: time management, budgeting, and responsibility. It also is a great measurement of integrity- are they setting the timer accurately? Are they turning in their cards when they use them? Are all the used cards still on the counter at the end of the week? I hope they are in your family as well. Honor is a crucial character quality, and this system depends on it. I am counting our tech time cards a success, and I hope this is something you can implement as you teach your kids to use technology in moderation, to value face-to-face human relationships above electronic entertainment, and to prioritize their time according to their values. None of these are an easy task in our culture today, but our kids, the people they will grow up to become, and the people they will grow up to love are all worth it. Don't give up on them now because it's tough! Press on, Mama! If you like this idea, or if you are able to use it in your family, post a comment below to let me know how it works for you!