Something New!

A law enforcement family that I am acquainted with through my work has begun a new chapter of their life and a new business: Beloved Carpentry. The pieces are rustic, gorgeous, simple; I want to redecorate my hand-me-down house around them and start fresh! You can find them on facebook, and I highly recommend taking a look! Enjoy!

PoliceOne article: "Everybody's Crazy: Adjusting Expectations for a Happy Career"

Everybody's crazy: Adjusting expectations for a happy career Setting realistic expectations about the human condition can keep our own blood pressure in check by Chief Joel F. Shults, Ed.D. Nobody calls 911 to invite you to their kid’s birthday party — unless Johnny didn’t get what he wanted and is now on the roof taking pot shots at the neighbors with Daddy’s deer rifle. Normal isn’t what we’re about. Can you imagine a doctor complaining that everybody she sees is whining about being sick or a mechanic that finds it strange that all of his customers seem to be having car trouble? And yet, we often finish the day asking ourselves, “Is everybody out there nuts?” Behavioral and Mental Health Issues One of the soul-crushing aspects of police work is that most officers really do want to help people but find them ungrateful and unresponsive. We enter the profession thinking that people will appreciate us. We train with role-players who respond rationally, know our language, and eventually comply. We get training on how to “de-escalate” and communicate effectively (both of which depend on the ability of highly emotional people to think rationally). For the most part, we do amazingly well. But the reality is we seldom are dealing with victims or suspects who are at their best. If someone calls the police it likely means they are in crisis. Our very presence makes people assume something is going wrong. Numbers, Numbers, Numbers! Consider the fact that 26 percent of Americans have a diagnosable mental illness — half of those having more than one disorder. Although only six percent of the population has a serious mental illness and most mental illnesses are not related to violence, police contact for those who do act out is highly likely. Nearly ten percent of the population will have a mood disorder in any given year and major depression affects nearly seven percent in a given year. Twenty percent of the nation is on psychiatric medication. For college students, incoming freshmen are medicated at a rate of one in four for depression, ADHD, and a variety of other behavioral or mental health issues. An estimated 30 percent of the population will have drug dependency problems at some point in their lives. An average of nearly four percent of the population will seriously contemplate suicide in any given year. One percent of the U.S. population has some level of autism. Sixteen percent of the population has hearing impairment. More than a million persons in the U.S. are legally blind. One in seven has a learning disability. Eighteen percent of Americans are classified as having a disability. Perhaps one of 25 is diagnosable with psychopathy. Nine percent of the population has limited English proficiency. With 90 at the lower end of the category of normal intelligence, 25 percent of the population has an IQ under 90 (the average IQ of police officers is 104). The Winning Lottery Ticket Okay, enough statistics. Let me put it another way. What are the odds that you are going to deal with a citizen who processes thoughts and information the way you do? How frequently do you encounter a suspect, victim, or witness with no cognitive impairment, not under the influence of alcohol or other drugs, and in complete control of their emotions and behavior, and who is not physiologically undergoing high stress? If you find yourself living a day on patrol when everybody you contact is as together as you are, that might be the day to buy a lottery ticket. It is no wonder that police officers who expect others to behave at a high or even average level are destined for disappointment. Setting realistic expectations about the human condition can keep our own blood pressure in check. Expect challenges in communication and compliance. Maintain the tools to deal with everyone you meet, at every level of their ability. It is irrational to assume people will always act rationally. Even high-performing individuals have bad days. Patience, respect, and empathy are important tools for gaining compliance in non-lethal encounters. About the author Joel Shults currently serves as Chief of Police for Adams State College in Alamosa, Co. Over his 30 year career in uniformed law enforcement and in criminal justice education Joel has served in a variety of roles: academy instructor, police chaplain, deputy coroner, investigator, community relations officer, college professor, and police chief, among others. Shults earned his doctorate in Educational Leadership and Policy Analysis from the University of Missouri, with a graduate degree in Public Services Administration and bachelors in Criminal Justice Administration from the University of Central Missouri. In addition to service with the US Army military police and CID, Shults has done observational studies with over fifty police agencies across the country. He currently serves on a number of advisory and advocacy boards including the Colorado POST curriculum committee as a subject matter expert.

Indestructible

Dying is hard to do. I thought it usually just happened suddenly, so suddenly that no one got to say goodbye. In my first real experience with death, however, it took so long that by the time death came, I was ready. I got to spend two precious, unforgettably beautiful and difficult days in a hospital this week, holding my grandpa's hand as he battled against life. He was the strongest man I have ever known, in body and in spirit. He worked on tractors and trucks for so many years that his hands felt stronger than any wrench, and smelled like old engines. He was built like a tank, despite his lack of height. He had a heart so big, his home held four children, countless foster children, and many more who just needed a place to rest and recover from whatever the world had dealt them. His generosity knew no borders; he and his family lived simply and the rest of their income went to missionary families and their work, spanning the globe. He loved deeply, marrying his high school sweetheart and keeping her smiling until the day he left this earth. His voice was resounding; as a pastor he loved to lead worship from the pulpit, and I can still hear his booming voice singing "Victory in Jesus" and "Great Is Thy Faithfulness." When it came time to let go of breath, his body would not give up. It frustrated him to have a heart that just kept on pumping; a set of lungs that just kept on breathing. He denied food, drink, or pain medication, and still managed to sing "Love Lifted Me" and "I'll Fly Away" through the pain, believing it was only a matter of hours before he'd be singing those same songs from a different perspective. When I joked with him, he grinned and winked at me; when I cried he said "Rejoice!" and later, when his eyes opened wide and he pleaded with me to let him go, I stroked his forehead and whispered in his ear that God was still getting his room ready, but it would be soon, and he smiled again. I held his hand and looked into his face for two whole days, and what I saw there was not fear. There was peace, trust, beauty, patience, and courage. He was looking forward to heaven, to seeing Jesus, knowing that all the pain was only a second birth into the eternal life he had been promised in God's Word. Being in that room with him was strikingly like being at a birth: so much pain, hands grasping other hands tight, the knowledge that things would get worse before they got better, but so much joy would be waiting on the other side. It was an incredible honor to hold my grandpa's hand, to sing with him, to kiss his cheek, to slowly and patiently wait out those last minutes of time with him. Unforgettable, heartbreaking, beautiful, life-changing. May I live with just a little of that indestructible faith that he displayed all his life. "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14. "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near." Philippians 4:4-5

New Year's Resolutions for a Happy Police Wife

In honor of the new year, and in observance of my husband's new swing shift, which I believe I am going to hate, but patiently deal with, I have composed some resolutions any police wife can take on as her own: 1. I resolve to make a turkey sandwich cheerfully when asked, since it is the only meal of the day I get to make for him, instead of going on a childish tirade about how I hate touching lunchmeat. 2. I resolve to use my alone time not just to clean the house obsessively, but also to do things that I truly enjoy and that feed me, like reading, sewing, writing, and working out. 3. I resolve to work out at least two nights a week. It's a list of New Year's resolutions; it has to be on here and you know it. 4. I resolve not to eat leftovers on the nights he works just so I don't have to cook, but to make yummy food for my kids and for myself. It is also a good time to make foods he doesn't like, such as our dinner tonight, Ranch Chicken Pasta with Broccoli. Curry is next on the list. 5. I resolve to finish writing my book while he works this shift. I have four months to write five chapters. I can do this. 6. I resolve not to snap at my children just because I am tired and lonely at night, but offer to snuggle and read a book to them instead. 7. I resolve to stay up until he comes home at least once a week to surprise him with the pleasure of my company. And then actually be pleasant company! 8. I resolve to not nag about the trash this year. Seriously this time. 9. I resolve to eat a whole container of spinach, just once, before some of it goes bad. 10. I resolve, once again, to grow in the love I have for my husband and my family until I am loving them each the way God loves them. So help me, God!

Movies, Manicures, and Good Kids

Do you want to teach your kids to think about someone else's needs before their own? Marry a cop. After being told their whole 4-6 years on this earth, "Be quiet; Daddy is sleeping!" or "Let's save that last giant banana muffin for when Daddy gets home," or "No, I can't open the present you made me at school because Daddy will want to see it too, and he doesn't wake

up for three more hours," my latest request of my children must not have sounded too absurd, because they quickly agreed, and took it like champs. "Let's have an upstairs party on Christmas!" I suggested. "We can watch movies on the guest bed, read books, play games, paint our nails, and eat our food off of trays like princesses. We won't go downstairs to see our presents or stockings until Daddy gets home at 2." They were so excited! The four year old did plead only twice to be allowed to only peek at her presents, but when I said no, because Daddy really wanted to do that with her, and we wouldn't want him to miss that special time, she resignedly agreed, and went back to our game of Go Fish. When Daddy finally did come home, my kids cleaned up the room with me (without complaining)while he changed, and then when we let them run down the stairs to see their presents, they took it all in, and then my oldest begged for us to open our present first, since she had made it at school and had been dying for us to see it. I felt so proud as a mama to have kids who were so willing to forgo the usual early-wake-up-race-to-see-what-Santa-brought out of consideration for their Daddy and his feelings, and so amazed at how patiently they bore the waiting. But I don't just have sweet, marvelous children on Christmas day, as if it is some kind of Christmas miracle (And don't get me wrong- they are normal, human children with their rotten moments). These kids have been through the academy for police children: his night shifts (play quietly and no friends over) and missed activities (Daddy loves you but he can't see your Christmas program), the tiptoe-through-the-house times (Daddy had a bad day at work, so let's let him rest), and the babysitter shuffle (Grandma will pick you up from school because Daddy is overtime again). They have heard it all, and they have been both toughened and softened by it. They are able to function if he suddenly can't be there for them, and also particularly delighted if he can be (much more than if I am there, since I always am). They are Daddy's girls to the core, and that same consideration they extend to him by playing quietly or saving him their last treat, they also extend to others. They are concerned and caring; they are attentive to the needs of the people around them, but to be completely honest,at the same time slightly merciless. If someone has been hurt because they were not following the rules, they have very little compassion, and that is just as much our fault as their consideration for people who do follow the rules. All this to say, if you are thinking about or have already married a police officer, be prepared to teach your kids to sacrifice their selfishness on the altar of family. And then get ready to stand back in awe on the day they show you, wholeheartedly, that they can. Merry Christmas!

Fresh Wells and New Beginnings

The other night I read a Bible story to my girls about Isaac, Abraham's son, who was trying to provide clean water for his people by digging wells (Genesis 26:18-25). Each time his men completed the digging on a new well, however, other men would come and claim it, taking the land and water rights that Isaac and his people needed to survive. Isaac had to move to a new place and start over, only to have the same thing happen again; the same men came after them and claimed the well and the land, forcing Isaac to move once more. The third time, after the well was completed, no one came to fight over it, and Isaac was able to stay there. He named the well "Rehoboth," which meant "room." He had finally found a place where there would be clean water and enough room for everyone, a place where his family could grow and prosper. God even appeared to Isaac that night and told him "Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bless you and will increase the number of your descendants" (Gen. 26:24). Christmas is a time when we want to be in a familiar place, surrounded by family and friends. We want to be somewhere comfortable; we want to be loved. But sometimes, due to circumstances we can't control, we are far from home; we have our little family around us but not the loud, noisy, warm, happy crowd we grew up with. God has, for some reason, allowed us to be driven from where we would choose to be. What wells have you dug, just to be forced to walk away and begin again somewhere else? We were uprooted from our home in California and compelled to start life all over in Washington about five years ago. It was painful, and still is at times, especially during the holidays, when we know everyone is still getting together and life is going on without us, and we are missing it. We are comforted, though, when we look around and see how God has blessed what we do have, how He has added to our little life here. We have our lovely little Abby Hope, who was not in the plans back in California. We have a growing extended family, which has added a niece to our family tree each year for the last two years, and we are expecting another little girl in my brother's house in April. Our circle of friends has grown, and they are the kind that "sticks closer than a brother," as we discovered through Jeff's trial this summer. We have been blessed beyond imagining; we have not all we want but far more than we need. We may have gained and lost a few wells, but we have settled for now in a place that God is blessing richly. If you are having to give up your well, one you have dug with blood, sweat, and tears, and you don't see how it can ever be replaced, take heart. "But I said, 'I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing. Yet what is due me is in the Lord's hand, and my reward is with my God" (Isaiah 49:4). Don't be afraid to begin again, don't be afraid, for the Master of all wells is with you, and He is waiting to pour out buckets of blessings from a new well you may not even be able to imagine yet. "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland" Isaiah 43:28. May His streams of fresh blessings wash over you this Christmas season; may you not regret what has been lost but look around at what has been given and ahead to what is still to come through Jesus. Merry Christmas!

Allowing Him to Decompress

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-4 “Better to live on the corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” Proverbs 21:9 I have been back at work for about eight months now as I write this, and have learned well the ups and downs of being a working mom. If you are a mom who works outside the home, you will understand when I say that it is a good day indeed when everyone gets out the door on time with breakfast in their tummies and no one has been driven to screaming, Mom included. I have forgotten to send lunch (oh, I packed it, but it never made it out of the fridge), or homework (still sitting on the kitchen table), or the picture day form (that’s why there is a make-up picture day, right?), but somehow, we press on. Some days I do my makeup in the car, and some days my breakfast is a handful of Wheat Thins. But when I come home, everyone runs to the door, and small voices squeal my name: “Mama! It’s Mama!” My little girls leap onto me like monkeys onto a tree, and I drag them into the kitchen so I can throw my things down and hug them properly. I give my sweetheart a hug and a kiss, because he is on day shift right now and is there to pick the kids up from school and make dinner, and I gratefully sit for a minute, eating and listening to everyone tell about their day. Then my real job begins: help with homework, clean up dinner, do some laundry, pack lunches, give baths and read stories, brush teeth and tuck sleepy little girls into bed, sing a song, make time to snuggle with my honey and have a bowl of popcorn or a cup of tea, and finally drag my own sleepy body off to bed so I can start over again tomorrow. I’m grateful that I have a desk job, since my sitting at home is limited to the time it takes to consume one bowl of popcorn. If you are a woman who does not work outside of your home, you are no less busy, I know. We never stop, do we? There is always something to be done, since we never leave our workplace. Our husbands are different, you may have noticed. They need to leave work at work, for sanity reasons. They need a separation between who they have to be as enforcers of the law and who they need to be as husbands and fathers. It is crucial that we give our husbands the time, space, and permission to unwind and decompress after work so they can be re-energized to to spend time with us and our families. They need to feel that they have our blessing to spend time away from us with their friends as well. Just as it is wise to let some of the steam out of a pot before you remove the lid completely, your man needs to blow off some steam before he can deal with his family, or someone may get burned. This does not mean you must tiptoe around your husband as though he is a bomb about to go off, but it does mean you need to be considerate. I recently read an article linking (not shockingly) divorce rates with early marriage behaviors and habits. The article showed that couples who were attentive to each other’s needs (even small needs, like offering a glass of water) were still together years later, whereas the couples who did not take the time to meet those small needs were divorced after just a few years. It stands to reason: If you cannot trust your spouse to meet your ordinary, everyday needs with compassion and attentiveness, why would you trust them with anything bigger or more important? Think about what your man would like to come home to, and then try to make your home a sanctuary for him, a safe place to rest and be restored.