In honor of Father's Day, a must-read article about parenting by Chief Joel F. Schults, Ed.D. Taken from policeone.com

Passion for the Job with Chief Joel F. Shults, Ed.D. Tips for dads: 10 lies about raising kids in an LE family Cops get to be inside more homes than the pizza delivery guy, so we see a lot of messed up families. Even though we know that good parents can have bad kids and bad parents can have good kids, we know that most of the screw-ups we send to prison have no dad in their life. The nightmare is when we imagine how messed up our own kids could be without us. I want to acknowledge that children with organic brain disorders, developmental disorders, and mental illness require lots of special care and expert help. But for most of us in a pop-psychology Oprah-driven world, how does a dad know what is best for his kids? We can start by refusing to believe some popular but bad advice. Here’s my Top 10. 1) Kids need quality time, not quantity — Your son or daughter doesn’t crave high-impact moments filled with wow. They need you. A lot. They need raw, non-Disneyland time. You don’t have to always be entertaining them or learning something or asking about their day or helping them with their homework. But quit your second job if you have to. Get your face out of Facebook. Be there. 2) Kids are resilient — Sure they are. They’ll survive the divorce while you go “find yourself.” But they’ll survive the fight for your family and marriage a lot more. I’m not judging here. If things are that messed up then do what you have to do — I haven’t lived 32 years of marriage without the “d” word cropping up — but don’t fake yourself out thinking the kids won’t be hurt. Reach out, get help, make it work if you can. 3) Be a pal — Kids have friends. They need a Dad. Dads are smarter, stronger, wiser, more disciplined, and will care about them longer than any friend. And Dads can be always become good friends later. That’s what making them good adults is for. 4) Kids need to be kids — Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely want kids to be kids, I just don’t want them to lose out on becoming healthy grownups. There are some tough lessons to learn about delayed gratification, putting others first, and dealing with disappointment. Don’t deny them life skills by protecting them too much. 5) Teenagers are crazy — American extended adolescence is anthropological fictional that has been way oversold. Don’t fall for it. Stop calling them teens and start calling them young adults, then treat them that way. Keep your expectations high. This is the prime time to determine how you will relate to your offspring for the rest of your life. They actually like you more than you think. 6) Kids need their privacy — Of course they need to be their own person. But I’ve had parents who think the Fourth Amendment applies to them. It’s OK for your kids to know that it’s your house with your rules. If they constantly cocoon in their rooms they can forget that they are a building block in the family. Let them feel needed and connected, and accountable, not like they have a free apartment. 7) Kids need to be involved — Extracurricular are great until it’s the family that becomes what they do in their spare time. Life lessons are poorly learned in the minivan between activities. Frazzled kids and tired parents cry out for balance. Just say no every once in a while. 8) Don’t force religion on a kid — I’m not selling any particular brand of faith here. Research shows that active involvement in a faith community is associated with lower delinquency and later onset of sexual activity. It seems if we make kids eat right for their body and do their schoolwork for their mind, that some strong direction for their heart and soul is a good thing. 9) Kids first — Studies show that today’s young people have lower levels of empathy than in previous generations. Whether child-centered parenting is creating these narcissists, or it is the result of loss of human contact because of our digital society, children need to learn that they aren’t the center of the world — even yours. Here’s another hint: put their mother first and them second! 10) Kids have it worse than ever — Whether it’s advertisers, psychologists, Hollywood, or even our benevolent government... everybody wants a piece of our kids’ minds and dollars. But this is America and growing up in the 21st century is awesome! Our opportunity to win our kids back and keep them is still in our control. Step up, Dad, you can do it! About the author Joel Shults currently serves as Chief of Police for Adams State College in Alamosa, Co. Over his 30 year career in uniformed law enforcement and in criminal justice education Joel has served in a variety of roles: academy instructor, police chaplain, deputy coroner, investigator, community relations officer, college professor, and police chief, among others. Shults earned his doctorate in Educational Leadership and Policy Analysis from the University of Missouri, with a graduate degree in Public Services Administration and bachelors in Criminal Justice Administration from the University of Central Missouri. In addition to service with the US Army military police and CID, Shults has done observational studies with over fifty police agencies across the country. He currently serves on a number of advisory and advocacy boards including the Colorado POST curriculum committee as a subject matter expert.

Ants on the Peonies

I was in my garden about a month and a half ago when I noticed that the peony buds were completely covered in some very industrious-looking ants. They seemed bent on destruction, and I do love peonies when they finally bloom- what an incredible flower! So much potential for beauty packed so tightly into an unassuming little bud. So I called up a green-thumbed friend and asked her what I should spray on the buds to get rid of the ants. "Oh, you don't want to do that," she replied. "If you get rid of the ants, your flowers will never bloom. They need the ants to help them open." An internet gardening site confirmed that the ants don't harm the buds, and actually eat the sticky, sugary syrup that the buds produce, which somehow helps produce large, healthy flowers. It struck me that this is not unlike our life right now. In the midst of a lawsuit against my husband, where lies have been spread about him in the paper and in the courtroom, when everyone in our community has an opinion, and when it often feels like we are being eaten alive emotionally, we are growing stronger. We have grown closer in our marriage, we spend more time together, he is more attentive to our children, our extended family is more tightly knit, and our true friends have rallied around us repeatedly to show their love and support. It is possible that we feel more loved now than we ever have before. It may look on the outside like we are being attacked and devoured; people often ask us, "Are you doing okay?" We are better than okay. The ants are doing their work; the superfluous is being eaten away, leaving only what is necessary and true. L.B. Cowman, in her timeless book Streams In The Desert, said, "You can see the rain, but can you also see the flowers? You are suffering through these tests, but know that God sees sweet flowers of faith springing up in your life beneath these very trials. You try to escape the pain, yet God sees tender compassion for other sufferers finding birth in your soul. Your heart winces at the pain of heavy grief, but God sees the sorrow deepening and enriching your life." Two years after the lawsuit began, after a three week trial and three days of jury deliberations, finally, the jury's decision came: my husband had done nothing wrong. He was fully exonerated, his name restored. I cheered with him on the phone, and when I hung up, I walked outside into the garden to take a deep breath. What I am about to tell you still makes tears come to my eyes: the peonies were all in bloom.

Andrew Peterson - Dancing in the Minefields (Official Video)

Chapter 3: Building Him Up- an exerpt from my book in progress

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” Genesis 2:18 “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” Proverbs 12:25 When I began to realize that I was falling in love with the teenage boy who would one day become my husband, I asked my mother, “How do you know if you really love someone?” I was sixteen and, of course, fully convinced that I knew what love was, but I recognized her wisdom even then, and have never forgotten her words. They have shaped my decision-making, my behavior, and my life ever since. She told me, “If something happened to him and he was stuck in a wheelchair, or never able to hold you or tell you he loved you, or able to do anything for you ever again, would you want to stay with him? If you had to do everything for him, and could never expect anything in return, would you still spend your life taking care of him? That is love.” Not only was my mother’s answer very telling of the generosity with which she has always loved others, but isn’t that just how God loves us? Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” While we were unable to do anything for God, handicapped by our sin and mute to express our gratitude, God sent his precious Son to die for us in the unrelenting hope that we will one day love him back. This seems like an impossible ideal of love for us to aim for in our marriages, but what would it look like if we tried? Either you have been through a situation like the one I am about to describe, or you will go through it at some point in your marriage to a law enforcement officer, but it is inevitable. You will come to a point in your marriage where you will realize that you are giving and giving and giving love to your spouse, but for any number of reasons-- depression, physical exhaustion, emotional distress, a difficult work schedule--your spouse seems unwilling or unable to reciprocate. Now what? How can you go on encouraging, helping, building your husband up day after day out of your own dwindling resources of strength? And what about your needs? First, go to the source of strength yourself. Like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first in the event of an airplane emergency, you must pull your strength from God before you try to minister to your husband. Allow your Heavenly Father to fill you out of His Word, and out of that deep well you can now draw everything you need to help sustain your husband and your family. “My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken,” Psalm 62:1-2. If you look to God for that strength that you need, instead of calling your friends or your mom, or putting more fun things on the credit card, you will find rest for your soul, and the unshakeable peace and strength you need to get through even the worst of times. Spend time each day reading your Bible, memorizing passages that encourage you and speak of God’s strength and faithfulness. You cannot expect to pour out what you have not first been filled with. Secondly, do your best, with much prayer, to understand where your husband is coming from and ask God to show you how to encourage him. God sustained my marriage through a very painful time when my husband was relieved from duty, forced to wait six months without pay for a trial in which he was wrongfully accused, after which he resigned from his job. He was sent home from work the day before Thanksgiving, our first holiday season with our firstborn daughter, who was nine months old at the time. Not only could my husband no longer financially provide for his family, but he had been entirely stripped of his confidence, his dignity, and his identity. I saw that a man who cannot provide for his family does not feel like much of a man at all; in fact, he even encouraged me to leave him. Intense feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness became a daily occurrence. My husband had absolutely nothing to give me during that time. And trust me, yelling, “Babe, if you would just read your Bible, you wouldn’t feel so terrible!” would never be received in the kind and helpful way I meant it. So what can you do when your husband is worn down by work, by situations outside of his control, or just by life in general? 1) Tell him you love him each day, as often as you can, in as many ways as you can. 2) Tell him you appreciate him, and don’t make it about what he contributes, but about who he is. 3) Pick up the slack with a smile on your face. If Jesus could choose to die for me while I was still covered in the mess of my sin, I can care for the needs of my household with a cheerful heart. Even if that means taking out the trash myself again. 4) Memorize Scripture passages and pray them over him. For example, as I write this, my husband is being sued in federal court for reasons I will explain later. I am memorizing Psalm 62, and so each day I pray, “God, today let Jeff find rest for his soul in You alone. Let him see that You are his Rock, his salvation, his fortress. Let him never be shaken because he trusts in you.” My four-year-old prayed that with me, and it was so precious to hear her say, “God, you are Daddy’s Rock and his fortress. Daddy will not be shaken.” I could just see God smiling as he honored that request so confidently asked. 5) Choose verses that you believe will bring encouragement to your husband, and put them where he will see them. Some of my favorite places are the bathroom mirror (by the time his trial is over we’ll barely be able to see ourselves), on the nightstand, or under his keys on the kitchen counter. Every once in a while, include a risqué one from Song of Songs. You may even get him to smile again!